May 14, 2018 Monday 8:20pm The crazy Lady is silently killing me

I have been away for a while. I began to feel this was a job every night, just one more thing I had to do. I had lost the wonder, relaxation, the everything in my writing. I felt free not forcing myself to write. I knew if I couldn’t write to relax it was not worth it.

Tonight I thought I have to get out these emotions or it’s going to continue to build.

For the last few months I knew I needed to get on bp meds. I had been on them before but they ran out and had to cancel my follow up appt when my mother in law died. I knew it was bad because I’d been taking it myself at home. My left foots been swelling, but I chalked that up to my nerve and circulation issues on that side. I felt like I was getting an ulcer, thought deep inside knew it was my heart.

Thursday I made it to my doctor, my bp was 178/123. Sure I should have probably gone to the ER, but I felt fine otherwise. Wasn’t dizzy, nauseated, no other symptoms, no headache. We discussed how the previous med started tearing my tendon and quit it. We decided on another one. I took it for three days and on the night of the third became so dizzy the 15 yr old had to put me in bed. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I got up today immediately went to the bathroom and felt ok, not great but ok. Came back to take my morning meds and debated to take or not to take it. I took it and within two minutes, the room was spinning five times. I had to get back in bed bc I could not handle every time I moved my head the room spun.

This all brings me to the crazy lady. The stress is unreal. I try to deep breathe, stay calm, let it blow over me. I am genuinely scared I am going to die. Part of me doesn’t want to deal with it because of the reactions from her, but know that’s not fair to me.

Tomorrow I’m calling back my doctor and telling her I want to switch back to the other med and if my tendon or ligament tears so be it.

I did get my bp down to 123/98, this evening it was 123/103. My pulse has come and stayed down. At least something is going right for me.

April 5, 2018 Thursday 11:39pm Going to be a long night

Out of meds so my ability to fall asleep is pretty much at a not happening level. I’m about to lye down but am guessing come 3-4:00am I’ll still be lying on the pillow wide awake. Fun times ahead.

My mantra for the last few days. Hopefully it’ll get better soon and life will be back to normal.

April 4, 2018 Wednesday 9:14 pm It’s hell to be poor…

Twenty eight years ago I heard for the first time “It’s hell to be poor” by the local tv station reporter/fighter for the little guy Marvin Zindler. The Marvin Zindler of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas fame. He was the man who busted the operation. If you ever saw the movie or play, he was the man who wore an all white suit. He wore that suit until the day he died. He was a interesting man. Fought for the underdog even though he had more money than he knew what to do with it. He continued to get plastic surgery to look younger and dressed to impressed, pocket squares, cuff links and a three piece suite always. Every Thursday he did a restaurant report. He was the original. Every segment ended with him calling out the restaurants with slime in their ice machines by saying….sllllllllliiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmeeeeeee intha ice maaaaaachine. My writing does not begin to do it justice. His fighting for the underdog was what he is remembered best for doing. If he showed up to the nogood doer they knew the shit was about to get real. At the end of these segments he would always say, “It’s hell to be poor“.

Where I’m going with all this is it surely is HELL to be poor. To know you have X amount of money, no savings, no way of even making money yet need money. Our situation is not normal. Most people have jobs and make money. True if you are salaried you do get X amount and there is no money. Highly wagers could possible pick up a shift. My issue is being completely dependent upon someone or entity other than myself for income. Each month I have enough money to pay the necessary bills, but there is not extra.

In March I received our tax return, not much but a little extra to cushion. Well then the unexpected happens….a broken kitchen faucet, broken front door lock, clogged bathroom sinks which could be the a/c so call in the a/c guy-nope it turns out it’s a clog past the liquid fire I can buy, and a plumbers’ license is needed to get the-industrial strength liquid fire, so plumber is called as well. What else? Increase in the crazy lady’s medical insurance, yearly termite increase, storage unit increase, the 15 y/o’s phone fell off the shelf which his father saw fall and confirms it was an accident and I somehow became the one responsible for fixing it, then lastly I was the one who had to buy the 15 y/o’s birthday present which was a gaming monitor because the mister had promised him this monitor for almost 6 months. The 15 y/o even told me a few weeks ago, “he is never going to buy the monitor is he? He just keeps saying next week next week. ” I finally had to tell him, when I got the tax return I would buy it to keep him from being so disappointed. Stuff like the mister making these type of promises and reneging on them pisses me off so much!!

Where am I going with this? I had extra money and now I don’t even have enough to pay all of my monthly bills. I hate knowing I have no way of getting money. I am 109% dependent on others!!! It’s enough to make one want to find a hole and crawl in it. I can barely change my clothes etc and have no means of income.

I can’t even remember how many times I have told my own father it sucks to have to rely on somebody else every time he tells me he is tired of supporting his child. WTH is always my response, wouldn’t he like to know what it’s like to be in my shoes? I didn’t ask to be dependent on others. Sure he didn’t ask for his child to be this way, but tough shit this is how his cookies crumbles so deal with it! He makes waaaaay more money than most so it’s not like he is hurting in any way!!!

Two hours later it frustrates me so much I have to continuously stop.

April 2, 2018 Monday 7:51pm Crazy Lady has made an even bigger mess

I’m so at my breaking point. Today everyone was biting off everyone’s head. Is it the left over full moon juju? It’s the juju the crazy lady puts out? I don’t know, but I know I’m ready to throw in the towel, wave the white flag.

Last night she pulled more crap out of her bedroom and brought it into the den. Urgh

Cook food grab a dish towel, oh towel need to wash the towels, put towels in washing machine, walk past the trash can, trash can reminds I have a bag of trash in the other room, walking into room see a T-shirt, T-shirt triggers I have T-shirt’s on the couch, go to couch, see grocery ads, reminds me oh yea I was cooking.

Now this happens all day every day. This sequence probably lasts over an hour. It gets extremely frustrating.

Ya know the children’s lingo of FML, yeah that’s about how I feel right now.

March 31, 2018 Saturday 4:45pm Words can not describe how mad I am

I am beyond pissed right now. The mister while getting ready for work, asked the tomorrow birthday boy 15 y/o to go to the track with him. They left at fucking 3:30 which leaves me with nobody to help do anything. The boy thinks he can go bet because he got birthday morning yesterday, but no matter how many times I told him he’s not old enough and the mister can’t bet while on the clock he doesn’t get it.

When the mister realized he might go, he said “oh you can’t because she’ll be left alone”. He offered to help me at 3:15. WTH I don’t need help at 3:15, I need help at 6,7,8pm.

As the mister was going out the door I told him he legit is going with you. My help looked at me and yelled toward the 15 y/o, you won’t be home until 11:30. I said no the last race is about 9. I got a huff and an addituded ‘need anything’. No I’m fine it’s only 3:20 I will be fine all evening.

This buddy boy was the last straw. Tomorrow is one year since his mom’s transplant so I might spare him the yelling, but I may do it tonight. He thinks all spur of the moment, what benefits him not thinking of what or how anything effects others.

Crazy lady left again around noon and still is not home. While it is peaceful sound wise when she is not here, it is still quite frustrating when you turn around and see all the shit!! I flashback to when I spent a week at summer camp, for those seven days the real world ceased to exist and that is what I feel when she’s not here or I run errands. The Out of Sight Out of Mind mantra really is true!!!

March 30, 2018 Friday 9:39pm Still no sink

The in 27 hours 15 y/o was able to get off the handle this afternoon, however to our dismay the inside lever was broken in half, so our easy peasy five minute fix isn’t happening now. I called the mister’s uncle for help before we were able to get off the lever. He said he could come sometime next week, which doesn’t help us in being able to wash dishes. I will call him back tomorrow to let him know the latest sucky development.

With all this, the crazy lady decided today was the day to wash dishes she has had sitting in the oven for a week. Nothing major, a bowl some utensils, and a Corning Ware dish used for meatloaf or a loaf of bread. There wasn’t food food all over it, just her being lazy not wanting to clean them after using them so the oven being airtight keeps the bugs away, or so goes her reasoning.

What did she do? She put the dishes in a bucket, grabbed the green metal folding chair, and went to the driveway faucet to wash them. I can only imagine what anybody thought if they saw her.

I went into the kitchen yesterday for the first time in about a month. Holy cow, she claims she is making progress but as I have said she’s doing stupid shit that is not getting rid of anything only moving it from one spot to another spot. There is no open space once more. It will take two to three days to empty it if all I did was fill trash bags. She has until Monday then watch out I am throwing the shit away AGAIN!! This will be the fourth or fifth time emptying the two rooms. Thursday night I had a dream she cleaned her bedroom; the dresser had nothing on the top and the floors were empty, until I opened the double doors into her bathroom hallway–there it all was with a pathway to the bathroom. But it was out of sight!! Oh to actually see that, what joy it would be.

Almost ninety minutes later I have only written this much which shows me I have to stop doing two things at one time.

I have so much going on in my head, so many issues I want to just get out, so many little things that frustrate me, I want to write it all down yet when it comes time to write I am so beside myself and done with everything I don’t want to write everything I do want to write. It is a clustered cycle which never ends….maybe one day.

The last few days this has been my life. If only the rest of the world could see this.

March 29, 2018 Thursday 7:07pm Who needs a kitchen sink?

It is a miracle I am not in jail right now. So this morning she decided to turn off the kitchen sink water because the faucet was leaking. Ok fine, but then she tried to take part the faucet. She did it and then left to go to Home Depot to find the parts. Had she just told us, a 2 minute YouTube video would have shown her and us how to fix it.

The amount of frustration I had can not be measured!! A nonworking faucet is just what we need added to everything else.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings…..

March 28, 2018 Wednesday 7:19pm Crazy Lady emptying the kitchen now

I read a blog last week where a daughter wrote about her father.

REORGANIZES ACCUMULATED CLUTTER

I felt as if I finally met someone who GOT IT!! This is what she does all day. Of course it is after she’s come home from the store after buying 10 of whatever bargain item they had. Today she actually was outside replanting flowers and tomatoes she had already planted earlier in the week and last week. Really?!? This was in the middle of her emptying the kitchen cabinets of cups that were on the top shelf that have not been touched in 20 years!! In the middle I say!! While removing the cups she would decide on a few to sell in the ‘garage sale’ (it’s been in the making for 10 years) so she’d take them to the garage, while outside she’d see the pots and BAM sidetracked to now repotting flowers and tomatoes. The only reason she stopped the first time was because the PT came. The second time was the nurse visit. It then started really raining with lightening etc. It kept her inside for a while then she said, “let me know when the bad stuff stops because I don’t care if I’m wet, I need to finish”. WTH?! I let her know under no circumstances was she going back outside.

Holy guacamole the water in my bathtub is running and it’s her getting in it or at least halfass bathing. If she gets in this will be her first in the tub bath in probably two years. Hair washed AND a bath within 26ish hours, the world must be ending.

March 27, 2018 Tuesday 8:34pm Alzheimer’s vs Hygiene

As anyone who deals with individuals with any type of dementia knows, hygiene is a difficult task. Why the brain immediately goes into I no longer need to be clean mode is a mystery I would love to know the answer to.

When the crazy lady started getting home health she was not fully coherent so sponge bathing was no problem, but in the last six weeks it has been pure hellish frustration getting her to get in the bathtub. She insists she is cleaning the important areas every morning. Who truly knows. In her mind getting help to bathe means she is no longer herself.

Friday when the social worker was here we were able to convince her to let the helper help her with getting in and out and she herself would do the bathing. Today gets here and 20 minutes before the lady got her she reverted back to I’m not getting in the tub. I finally got her to get clean underwear and razor. About two minutes before the doorbell rang she went off and said she’d prefer to get her hair washed. (For the last month it’s been I need dirty hair to dye it so it can’t be washed). Against my better judgement I said, “fine today you wash your hair Thursday you will get in the bathtub“!

The cleaning of course has not progressed. We keep telling her the number of days until the social worker comes back. It seemed to be working on Sunday and Monday, but not today. Tomorrow it’s suppose to rain all day and night so I hope she will make some decent progress. We shall see.

Sunday is 14 y/o’s birthday. I have no gift for him, bad move on my part. On Sunday though he does get his xbox back so he will become invisible once more. I have enjoyed these last 40 days, I will truly truly miss him hanging around downstairs….real tears real tears.

In closing, if I didn’t mention it last night the mister was laid off yesterday from his Monday through Wednesday job. He did get a severance pay of one month. I am bummed for him, but inside jumping for joy we no longer will have to fill the gas tank twice a week and wake up so early.

Until tomorrow…..

March 26, 2018 Monday 8:27pm Spring has sprung

Went into the backyard today for the first time in months. Maybe three to four months. I could not believe my hydrangeas that were frozen solid for two days have come back!!! They were only a few months in the ground when the freak snow/ice storm hit. In another bed a small pot of clearance purple flowers I bought last July have taken over an entire bed!! Some random tropical plant I planted two summers ago came back as well!! Triple score. The best happy find was the garden we just let go around the end of June. There was asparagus, onions, and green onions. Oh and lavender.

I planted four more hydrangeas today. I can’t wait to see what these do.

March 26, 2018 Monday 12:35am It’s Monday by way of a technicality

It’s 12:35 in the morning but to me it’s still Sunday night. Today was a long day. Today was a good day. Today was a bad day. Today today today.

My oldest friend I have known for 40 years flew in for an appointment and we were able to have dinner together. We unfortunately were only able to visit for about two hours, but it was a good two hours. The mister decided we should go hang at the galleria while we waited. I tried to veto the idea because I knew the fiasco it would be, however it did not work. My help was in a lot of pain, she was hungry, the freeway was shutdown therefore it took us over an hour rather than 30 minutes to get there, and once we got there we had 5 1/2 hours to waste. I was the only one who knew how to read signs once there so it put the two of them in a pissy mood to just have to walk and walk and walk. Because we had so much time to kill and every store there was over my budget–Jimmy Choo, Tiffany, Louibaton, and a ton of other high dollar stores I have never heard of, it put them in a grouchier mood.

Finally I said we need to just sit and wait. We went into a $$$ restaurant and bar. Paid $71 for a crab cake, 6 tator tot appetizer, spinach/artichoke dip, a shiner, a coke, and a tea. This was after grabbing a gyro in the food court three hours before then. After eating all this by the time it came to dinner we were not hungry, which made their moods just peachy, so the three of us just ordered dessert.

We finally got home a bit before 9:30 and of course before I was fully in the door the crazy lady was yelling at me about everything and anything. My help finally was able to leave at 10:09. I kept over and over telling her thank you for this evening, but I’m not sure how much she accepted it. She absolutely hates walking more than 10 feet or standing because she is overweight so today was miserable for her. Today made up for about a week and half worth’s of hours paid to her that she’s not here, plus she got two meals, a T-shirt for her husband, and hair ties. Tomorrow is a new day, let’s hope everyone wakes up on the other side of the bed. Oh yeah we also got locked out of the parking garage and had to be rescued by a security guard that did not speak English, all while creepy clown music played. Fun times!!

March 24, 2018 Saturday 7:10pm Craft Show Bust

Word to the wise, listen to somebody when they say don’t do it. I said a month ago we should not do this show, which is why I waited so long to send in the fee. And wouldn’t you know it, we barely made our application fee back.

Now to convince everyone we need to wait for summer. My only affirmation is almost every other vendor told my partner this spring show sucks, they use the money they make in the fall to pay for the spring shows. How much sense does that make?!? Why would a business put money into something they know is not going to give them a positive return?

We did sell 8 of 10 unicorn dream catchers, so there is that.

March 23, 2018 Friday 2:56pm Frustrated? No, Aggravated? No, Beyond annoyed? You betcha

One of those days, which seem to happen more on Fridays when I am home without help. I believe I have reached the point where I will sit my help down and explain I need help for the entire 50 hours a week I am allowed. They probably will not like this because they already leave between 6-6:15, when the schedule says 7. That little bit makes a difference. Because they work for me and the mister they are here more than they are not. We told her in the beginning, she would get tired of being here every day but she said no. She reached a breaking point eight months in and requested off one day. Ok, this leaves me alone on Fridays.

Jump to two years later combined with the crazy lady and she does not want to do half of what I need. The worst as an example today is set up for tomorrow’s show. She texted around noon telling me not asking me that she was coming to pick up everything and set up without me so she does not have to drive me back home. Excuse me?!? Who gives you the right to make this decision? Apparently I have zero say. I was already so aggravated from needing to change my clothes, needing to shave, needing to do all your normal hygiene things and struggling.

Jump back to me needing help. Today like every Friday I sit in my own pee for hours because I am not strong enough to do it twice. Yea me! It’s the little things that drive me to want to dig a big hole and go away.

On a different subject, the crazy lady’s home health company social worker came today. I almost rescheduled her because of all the tension today and the fact of how many containers are everywhere!! I have already mentioned how much I do not like this individual, well today she added another notch to my counting stick. She sat looking at everything with a “you are trash, how are you living in this house” (home value not messy). She went on to preach this is disgusting etc etc. I did tell her the crazy lady has a true dx now and her demeanor changed a little. I told her we let her do her organizing then it gets cleaned. The social worker asked if the state contacted us because again she was acting like she was god. I told her yes but she did not qualify. Her exact words, “You said her income was xyz, that qualifies.” I explained she has too much other money, at which point the crazy lady starts yelling I don’t have savings I have no money. I told the lady it was IRAs and mutual funds then she stopped. At the end of the conversation my mom told her by the time she comes back in a month it will all be cleaned. Clock starts now, twenty nine days. Hopefully her next visit will be in May since her previous visit was six weeks ago.

Just noticed my help didn’t use our vehicle to go set up so now in the morning if she drives here her mister will not have a way to get here. I’m sure that’s the master plan since she told me already her child can not be expected to stay here all day.

Closing on a happy note 🎶🎶 I got my concert tickets today!!!!! Come on August 11, 2018!!

March 22, 2018 Thursday 8:59pm Crazy Lady is going to give the 15 y/o a heart attack

One of those days where she left the gate open and Penny got out. The 15 y/o had to run around the block and was furious. He yelled at her so much I was waiting to hear a door slam or a hole being punched in the wall.

It goes well with my Aggies losing 72-96 against Michigan in the sweet sixteen.

My happy peaceful mantra

March 21, 2018 Wednesday 8:56pm I’m so frustrated!!

The last two weeks we have been pushing to get ready for a craft show in two days. It’s my hired help and myself then my mister for financial backing and my brother for online administration. I debated going in with my help, but we have become friends and the line is unfortunately blurred between employee/employer.

So we started last year and finally went into the Black after the mister and I put in all the upfront money. We were only ahead by $40ish. Now to get enough to do the show this weekend once again I had to upfront all the money. I am close to $900-$1,000 invested. She has spent about $15. Now she does always say you are the money manager so tell me when we need to stop.

Friday is her off day. Friday is set up day. When I mentioned about setting up Friday, she almost bit my head off and said, “we already know it does not take four hours to set up so after I pick up X from the bus I will come over, we do have til 8”. Which means she will get here about 3:30-3:45, it takes about 40-45 minutes to get there, at least 2 hours to set up, then at least an hour to get home because of Friday evening traffic. So it will be 8:00 or later when we get home, I have no idea why she does not see if set up can begin at 12:00, and it only takes us two hours, why would you NOT want to do it and be done!?! Saturday she works for the mister not me. I asked her yesterday if her mister was working for my mister on Saturday. She was taken back as if how dare I ask such a thing. In her mind she sees doing a craft show with me as actually working on the clock. She can not separate the two. She says her mister will not be working for my mister on Saturday because you can’t expect my son to be stuck there all day. Their son does have a genetic disorder where he is 9 but acts like he is 5-6, does not know how to sit still, and wants to eat 24/7. He is not so bad he could not be here for 6-7 hours with his tablet or play by himself outside. It is because at home the mister lets him go outside so he does not have to parent. Out of sight out of mind. As an example, he let his 11 1/2 y/o ride his bike over a mile away across a 6 lane speed limit of 45 mph major road to go play basketball, then tells the child not to let his mom know. (She knows because there is a tracker on the child’s cell)

I rant due to my frustrations. I do not even know where I was going when this entry started except I am frustrated, but what else is new?

I am not a big complainer as my entries may seem at times, I simply have zero patience for dumb people or those with no common sense. I am also mad right now with how much money I have put in to our business, which is my own fault, because I have a huge yearly payment to be made in a week and am short a few hundred bucks.

Here is to a profitable show!!

March 20, 2018 Monday 8:21pm Happy Spring

Last night a front came through and the awesome 80 temps we’ve been having went bye bye and brought us low 70s. YukO!! I’m probably one of the few people who prefer heat to cold. I can’t wait for June to get here. I despise temps below 75.

We have two and a half days to finish our Wreaths for Saturday’s show. It’s our first of the year. I hope we do well because we need the money!

I’m hurting bad today so this is all I got.

March 19, 2018 Monday 7:17pm Ran into my true love’s dad today….

Today’s post is about me. Everyone has that one love, the one that got away maybe? The one that should have been but timing was wrong? The one that you miss out on but find again 50 years later when both of you are widowed and it is as if time has not passed. Yes that one!

Today I ran into his dad at the grocery. I have seen him in random places over the years because he does live within 4 miles of my house. He also does hospital visits to the Catholic patients and has visited my mom a few times not knowing it was her until they got to talking about their children.

There is not a day that goes by he does not cross my mind. Is it wrong for my mister? Perhaps. Does it mean I love him any less? No. Do I know if he thinks of me? Yes I do, and yes he does. How do I know? We still have mutual friends and are cordial to one another. We run into each other at big celebrations like 40th birthdays etc. We hug each other a little tighter and longer than than regular friends. We look at each other with the look our close close friends smile at us. We talk about the weather, our families, work, ya know the average small talk, then…..THEN we just STARE and do not move as the rest of the world goes by. It can be a solid five minutes with nothing being said until I say, “you need to go” and he replies, “I can’t”.

A few years ago his wife, him, and myself went to a college football game. I was the one with the tickets and he said the only way he could go was to bring her. She I believe knows our history. Now we have never cheated on our significant others, as much as we have come to the line we have never crossed it. We were together from 6am until about 9pm. His wife was not really into football, and this particular game was a HUGE college football matchup. College Game Day was there, all kinds of national media were there, our QB had just won the Heisman. It was a big game!! I say all this to explain even though she insisted on going, she was interested in the pizazz that was going on around us, so she left us alone. People say one can tell if a guy likes you by the things he does, ie:changing your lightbulb without asking, fixing a broken chair. Well all the little things he did for me proved over and over he still loved me. On the way home, she fell asleep and the country song that says something to the effect “lying in bed while I’m thinking of you” came on. It’s a famous old song. Well when he came on he looked in the rear view mirror to see his wife sleeping then turned to me in the front passenger seat and smiled ear to ear. This came on about 10 minutes from dropping me off at my house. When he walked me to the door he not me hugged me so tight and so long there was no doubt what he was saying, then he said it, “I don’t want to let go”.

Now why are we not together? It is all on him. We have had many talks. He showed up at my house at 2:30am banging on my window telling me “I choose you” a month after I told him I was engaged. I called him after the mister asked me and told/asked him what did he want me to do? I would have left the mister had he said so but he said he could not be the reason I broke it off, I had to do it on my own. Maybe it is my fault partially. But the night he showed up I told him it was too late. His major holdup was me not being able to have a child and the issues with my dad. I get he wasn’t man enough to deal with it but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I will forever have confirmation from his cousin that introduced me to his wife then current girlfriend as ‘the girl he should marry because they have a passion like I have never seen”. I was invited to his wedding and when the cousin came up to me at the reception he asked how was holding up? For the next three minutes he hugged me so tight as I cried like s baby. He just held me and said, “it should be you“.

Why do I rant? Because seeing his dad brings me a tad closer to him and makes me long for just a glance or touch from him. It sucks it really sucks!!

March 18, 2018 Sunday 8:30pm Denial is not just a river

Last night the crazy lady read and article which lead to a 45 minute video of how diet and vitamins/minerals along with brain exercise can help stop Alzheimer’s. Ok I will give you eating a particular diet can help with many issues, but stop or curing something all together, nope not happening.

All day she kept on her kick of there is nothing wrong with her, she does not show signs of Alzheimer’s etc etc. I explained again she does not have the typical Alzheimer’s that she knows of, it is actually Mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. She wanted nothing of that and is convinced we are all crazy. She kept saying write down every time she does something then show it to her. I told her I would be writing all day. Which is true, but of course right now I can not think of one example. Oh thought of one, she put some boudin on the stove. An hour after she was asked if she cooking because we smelled something, thirty minutes later was asked about it since she was not in the kitchen, she said she had just turned it down, so not really think so, Forty five minutes after that she was asked again and said she just flipped it, again doubt it. Two minutes after that she went into the kitchen and turned off the stove. I can almost guarantee she forgot all about it because it doesn’t take that long to cook an uncooked link of boudin.

I am curious to see if she does anything after watching and reading. Stayed tuned for updates.

March 17, 2018 Saturday 7:23pm Happy St. Patrick’s Day Happy My Dude is HOME!!!

When you go visit haha biological family that is responsible for driving you to and from for your visit, why is it I have to then pay for you to bring the child back to his home? The child complained the entire time he was in the car on the 8 hour ride there and said he wanted to come home ASAP. Jump to Wednesday, get a phone call from him saying his grandma will drive him home on Saturday for $100, otherwise he was not coming home because he refuse to ride with the person who picked him up.

So what is a person to do? Say I will pay so the 15 y/o can come home.

Now that he is home there is a calm to my crazy world. It’s a tiny millimeter of calm space, but it is there. I am going to be honest, it was peaceful and nice not having psycho Penny barking at every little bitty thing and person, but if having my dude hone means psycho Penny I will take that any day.

Off to have some much needed QT with my dude.

March 16, 2018 Friday 10:02pm Making it about me this evening.

Been an ok day, but in the last hour I have become nauseated. Fun times ahead? Let’s hope not! I am begging for my phenegren but nobody is home to reach it….sadness pure sadness. Tomorrow however my main dude, the 15 y/o comes back home!!! I ca not wait to see him. I’m not alternating between hot and cold, freezing cold and cold sweats. Let’s hope after I take a sip of coke it calms my stomach. This helps most of the time.

Nothing to report today. Which means tomorrow will probably be a crazy day. Can’t wait, yes that was sarcasm.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

March 15, 2018 Thursday 7:13pm March Madness isn’t just for Basketball

Crazy lady got up today and went completely mad about the bucket of ant killer. Now, the bucket of ant killer has existed forever! Living in the south we have maybe two months a year without fire ants, so ant killer is a staple you keep within arms reached. This morning she could not understand why the bucket was so full. Because of this she was not going to be able to carry it and let the entire world know she was none to pleased. After she finally calmed down about the ant killer she then proceeded to make as much of a commotion about a Rubbermaid tub, she’s cleaned now three times, that needs to come inside so she can fill it with CRAP!

After she calmed down from the bucket guess what she complained about again?!? The stupidass calendar!! Maybe tomorrow I will tell her the damn name has been on it for at least 7-8 years. Maybe, just maybe.

For those of you into Bracketology, my Ridiculous Dream Bracket is 100% after today’s games so far, which is all for the first day except for 6 that are not finished. Go me!!!

March 14, 2018 Wednesday 7:06pm Let’s rehash issues from 30 years ago

Going along my day when out of nowhere I hear Do you know what is on the refrigerator calendar in a tone of you just killed my new puppy and I will now kill you which started far away but got louder as she got closer to me. She repeated it a few times on her way to me that by the time she was to me I was waiting to see her head spinning like in the Exorcist.

Playing along with her I answered NO, but I did know. Well for the next three hours I had to listen how my older brother is being disowned because he put my father’s wife’s birthday on the calendar. Full disclosure the wife knew my father was married and still pursued him. Yes my dad is just as guilty. I realize those reading are probably wondering what’s the big deal it happens everyday. This was not a normal everyday affair/divorce. I am not in the frame of mind to go over everything to let others know the gory details, but it was NASTY! So she came to the conclusion, after the three hours, she was tearing off February, circling her name, and writing on it you acknowledge this fucking whore you consider yourself no longer part of this family.

I am not sure if she’ll do it but I will keep the internet world posted.

March 13, 2018 Tuesday 8:42pm Can I catch a break please?

Bright and early my mom was up before the mister’s help arrived to get him ready for work. When the mister came in the alarm went off. The crazy lady did nothing to turn it off. It was going for almost a solid minute before my brother turned it off. Why she did not try I have no clue. She did not even acknowledge it went off, something she always complains about. The mister’s help did not even try to do anything either. I finally yelled for him when it seemed like nobody was doing anything about it, yet he took forever to walk in the door. I have no clue what he was doing.

Jump to 9:00 when my help arrived. Almost immediately the crazy lady left. She was “waiting for someone to get here so she (me) would not be left alone in the house” Jump to about 45 minutes later and she is calling from the grocery store saying she’s sitting down because she almost passed out and the voice in the background could be heard saying “you are coming to get her right?” Sooo off the help went to pick up the crazy lady. I was given the keys when they got back. When my mom walked in she seemed ok. We tried to get her to sit down, but we all know that’s impossible. She kept yelling she wanted her keys and I kept saying no. Around 4:00 when I still had not given them to her, the mister’s help had come back and parked in the driveway. She went off screaming he better not leave with the car behind hers. When she realized he was gone she came in my room and demanded I give them to her and if I did not tomorrow she would come in here and destroy everything in here, including taking all of my medications. I ignored her.

About 5:45 I gave in and gave her the keys. I am not second guessing myself because it is basically 9:00 and she is not home.

I am begging for the days when she no longer is able to do things like drive. My stress level of being the one to make these decisions is more than I can handle. Call me crazy or completely hokey but for the last two weeks I have had a pain in the bottom of my foot. Last night I looked up the reflexology map and the spot that hurts is the Solar Plexus. If you believe reflexology etc it is the third chakra, yellow. Reading up on it, I found the following:

Yea it sounds exactly like what I have been feeling for quite a while. Today my massage guy came and I had him rub my foot for almost twenty-five minutes. Wow wow wow it was amazing. It has been a few hours now and the sensation has worn off some but I am here to testify it worked!!

Well wonders never cease….the crazy lady just walked in the door at 9:08. Now I can go sleep and do it all over again tomorrow.

March 12, 2018 Monday 8:29pm Another day another day

Monday funday or Monday Shumgday? Went with the mister to the cardiologist today, then went to pick up my scripts from my favorite doctor.

A doctor who charges insurance $53.17 to write a script rather than give me a post dated script like normal doctors. A doctor’s front office lady who will sit and stare at you until exactly 1:30 before she acknowledges you because they close for lunch between 12:30-1:30. A doctor who if your appointment is finished and as you checkout it is after 12:30 will tell you they are closed and can not schedule your follow up, YOU not them have to call back after 1:30. Who does this shit?!? A doctor that knows there is no one else like her. She sucks at 99.9% of everything, but .1% of her gets my pain issues and fixes them to the best of her abilities.

Well today the girl at the office who hands me my scripts and photocopies them did it just like always. I drove the 30 minutes to the only pharmacy to carry the med I need to find out THE GIRL DID NOT DATE THEM! WTH?!? Because of the type of med the pharmacy can not date them. The girl at the pharmacy said first I need them rewritten, then when she saw the look on my face said the script can’t look altered. When I told her this doctor’s office is the type that will charge me to rewrite them even though it is there fault, I’m sure she saw my thoughts going a mile a minute. She finally said, “if you can find a pen that writes the same I will never know who wrote the date.” She got me! I was just about to ask her if I left and came back in how would she know who wrote the date.

Sooooooooo, off to Office Depot we went. Full disclosure I had to go there to make a photo poster, but wasn’t planning on going until tomorrow. Office Depot is definitely not Wal-Mart or Target. I knew the exact pen but could I buy one? Of course not, I’m now the proud owner of four black pens I will never use which cost me $9.99. Urg 😡

Jump to finally getting home at 5:38 after leaving at 9:33 and the crazy lady is not home. I had been home for a nanosecond about 1:15 and she was still home. I was told she left shortly after that. She came home about 7:30 saying she only left because ‘I needed magnesium and nobody had the type I needed’. Whatever. Tomorrow I have to go back to the pharmacy then meet my stepfather in law, so again she’ll be left with only my brother and he doesn’t do much to keep her home. Hopefully I can keep her home.

March 10, 2018 Saturday 10:49pm Crazy lady almost exposed everything

The 15 y/o was suppose to leave today to spend the week with his other grandma. It was decided he was leaving in the morning but going to dinner with his ride then coming back home. When his ride, aka his bio mom the original crazy bitch (definitely not lady) got here the crazy lady heard the horn honk and walked outside. We turned on the cameras to watch, then the next thing I saw/heard was her walking in saying she’s going with them. I started yelling STOP! Then yelled at my brother to get out there and stand behind her car. He flies out the door, even leaving he front door open. A few minutes later I can hear her very loudly talking then she storms in the back door throws her purse, keys, and jacket on the couch then goes back to whatever mess she was making in the kitchen.

The two of them were talking for almost ten minutes on the driveway waiting for the 15 y/o to come out. I can only imagine how much was said to give the crazy bitch ideas of what might be happening. The 15 y/o knows and has always been fantastic at not letting her know the real details. We had just before he walked out and my mom walked in the door reminded him not to discuss her under any circumstances.

After she threw her stuff I tried to ask her questions about who, what, where she was going but she remained silent. I was quite impressed how she actually stayed quiet. I never did find out anything.

Something happy and positive to share, for the last week I have been telling the 15 y/o how much I am going to miss him while he is gone. Last night we bought a movie on Vudo thinking it was last night then again tonight we rented an on demand movie. Tonight however he actually sat in bed with me and the dog. It was too cute overall his behavior, he will never verbalize it, but I know he will miss me. Couldn’t be any closer if he tried.

March 8, 2018 Thursday 7:23pm Agitated? Who, the Crazy Lady? Never

Went to the Neuro doctor. Boy was she in a mood before we left. She was awake maybe an hour and a half before leaving. The entire time she was yelling I better be on her side when we go.

Before we left, I handed her the sheet of paper with the mri results and then a definition of what a few of the words meant. Here is what she read:

Chromic Parenchymal changes

The definition is:

The parenchyma is the functional parts of an organ in the body. … In the brain, the parenchyma refers to the functional tissue in the brain that is made up of the two types of brain cell, neurons and glial cells. Damage or trauma to the brain parenchyma often results in a loss of cognitive ability or even death.

She did not like the five reasons, which I listed yesterday. Of course she turned every one of them around to justify her way of thinking. She then read the above definition and only focused on death and as always said that is my goal.

Once we were in the office she would not listen to anything that was said. I was quite shocked she was calm when the doctor explained depressed was listed on the summary from the med center appointment because it helps insurance companies pay for medication she needs. The doctor went on to tell her first we get the mood stabilized then we work on the memory. The names of the two medications were said and my mom did not say a word. She did ask why are we focused so much on sleep, when one of the meds was discussed as a sleeping pill. I just told her because she has a difficult time going to sleep and can be up all night long. She actually let the words go in one ear and out the other. Like I said SHOCKED!

After the visit on the way home she was not to happy about what the doctor said about the driving. (The doctor can say she does not want her to drive, per the neuro in the med center, they can’t write anything to or not to only the DPS after she takes a driving test can say yes/no.) Her consensus was it wasn’t the driving that was the issue it was her mood aka the agitation if something were to happen. Prime example given was how the police almost arrested her in 2005 when a girl t-boned us and my mom would not stop yelling at her and that was before all this.

I had to go pick up my mother in law’s urn today therefore I dropped her off and did not even get out of the car. She yelled at me the entire time she was getting out of the car. I expected to come home to find my room completely destroyed. I was pleasantly surprised to come home two hours later to find her on the couch with a list of the places and items she wanted. She had six places on her list! I told her there is no way we were going to all six. She was semi calm about it and went back outside to finish working on her plants. My help can’t to me and said, “if you give her the keys nobody will fault you. She is going to argue if you take you she is going to argue if you do not take her.” I feel she is capable to driving close by, but the second if I were to give her the keys, she did something to make he feel otherwise, I would take them back. After going back and forth I decided to give them to her. My help gave them to her. She took them and said nothing. My help went to move her car and while outside told my mom, “I’m moving my car so you can leave.” My mom looked at her and said, “oh I’m not driving”. She was truly content on not driving. Well hell’s fire, such a conundrum. When she came back in, I told her I gave her the keys so she could drive, but at any moment I could take them back from her.

It took her about forty-five minutes to leave. She was gone for a little over three hours. Nothing major happened. Yea for her, yea for me.

On a completely different matter, the almost 15 y/o leaves on Sunday to spend a week with his other grandma. Neither of us are happy about this, but such is the way it goes. I am sure I will only cry 5 of the 7 days.

Goodnight world see you in the morning…..

March 7, 2018 Wednesday 9:34pm

Today the crazy lady harped on wanting examples of all these “things” she does to justify the Alzheimer’s and dementia. No matter how many times I have repeated A PICTURE DOES NOT LIE she will not accept it. So I came up with these:

1) not knowing my middle name

2) said my brother had never met my stepfather in law at the funeral

3) constantly asking how the remote works

4) how she asked about cooking us dinner last week as if she still cooked every night

5) when I give her her morning meds, five minutes later she asks for the meds she just took

Tomorrow she goes to the Neuro up here. I can’t wait to see what she does. She has not read the five reasons, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. I am like a broken record, maybe one day I will fix the record, but not today.

March 5, 2018 Monday 7:31pm Today She Read the word Alzheimer’s

Today our pool lady came. She has been coming for the last 15 years. She knows us. She has seen my mom before all this. She does not know the real diagnosis from two weeks ago. For the last year or so she has told our help she prays every Monday my mom is not outside when she is here because she can not handle her. Last week I forgot to pay her and had my help run to her as I was leaving to explain the mister’s mom had died and how sorry I was I didn’t have her check. I was now two months behind. My help said she said it was ok. She is always so understanding with my late payments.

Well jump to today when my help brought her the check. She told my help after last Monday she was ready to call APS on my mom for the way she was treating my brother. I can only imagine how much she was yelling and demeaning him as she does. She then went on to tell my help she is ready to Baker Act my mom.

In my payment I wrote her a long letter explaining my mom had been in the hospital for 3 1/2 weeks, officially dx with Mixed Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. Hopefully this will explain to her I am doing the best I can.

I don’t EVEN want to think of the PURE HELL my life would be if APS was called. The snowball effects that would occur would be unreal. Suicide would be a true option at that point.

I had to hold back the tears. I just don’t want to deal with letting anyone see the real me yet. But at the same time, I have been writing for 22 minutes, balling my eyes out while the mister sits less than 4″ from me and hasn’t even noticed. This is my life. All alone while everyone else is oblivious to what is happening with me.

As I mentioned yesterday, I took her to her GP. I brought the neurologist visit summary. As I handed it to the doctor my mom yelled she wanted to read the paper. Oh my, you would have thought it said her mom had come back to life (she hated her mom). She went off.

Who the hell told the doctor to write the word Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. Do you even know what Alzheimer’s mean? How about dementia? Y’all are crazy if you think this is me.

I tried to explain her MRI showed this and pictures do not lie. She refuses to accept it. The doctor said she wasn’t surprised. I of course am not either, but it’s frustrating. My mom also said, “do you even know what people with Alzheimer’s look and act like”? When I answered, “people do not go to bed perfectly ok then wake up the next morning in a vegetable state. It is a slow progression over time and they all started slow where they thought nothing was wrong, just like you”. She wanted NONE OF THAT!!

When I told her what she said about my middle name Saturday she justified it by saying I miss understood what she was saying because in her mind she was thinking my dad did not want the E, but she fought and got the E so she was thinking of that. My only response was there she went again justifying and trying to turn everything around to make her make sense but she is not correct. She wanted NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with my explanation. Go figure right?

Tomorrow is a new day, new tears, new frustrations…..can not wait.

March 4, 2018 Sunday 6:41pm

My best best friend since we were 13, left today. My mom tried so hard the past three days to convince her she was perfectly fine. Of course my friend knew the truth. She was here around Christmas and was sadden to she the huge decline in such a short time.

Tomorrow is an appointment with her GP. I am not looking forward to having her say nothing is wrong when the doctor discusses the results from two weeks ago.

Now a moment of my own personal rant. With the passing of my mother in law it has surprised me the number of so called friends that did nothing! I am floored at the complete lack of cooth, etiquette or WHATEVER!! What happen to common decency? When a close friend’s immediate family member dies, the least you do is SEND A FUCKING CARD. My so called local best friend of 27 years sent a fucking text message. That was it, no card, no flowers, nothing!! I am genuinely hurt by it. How can you not find five minutes to send a card? Screw the card, you should have been at the visitation or funeral!! Hell my true best friend got in the car the day it happen drove 4 hours to be here; stayed three days, went home four days, then came back for three. The mister’s best friend from Florida, flew out for 4 days, and local people did jack crap! Friends I thought were good friends that have had a parent die where I attended their funeral either only said “sorry for your loss” on Facebook or nothing! I’m sorry but where did manners go? Another great friend of 27 years who unfortunately has lost both parents acknowledged nothing! I called and texted. I was front and center at both parent’s funerals. I could continue to list the people who disappointed me. Maybe I was raised better? Hell even a neighbor I have only ever messaged through our neighborhood message page sent over enough food to feed our family for a week and I am not kidding!!

I am so pissed, it has taken me an hour to type this because I have to stop and take a breath. I shall stop or I may never stop ranting.

March 3, 2018 Saturday 7:44pm Realization it’s REAL

This morning we said our final goodbye to my mother in law. The crazy lady came with us. As we sat in the waiting area before we were seated, my mom comes up to me after signing the book and says,

“I know why y’all got along so well, you both have the middle name Ann”.

I looked at her and said,

“Yes but I have an E on the end of mine”

Without any hesitation her response was,

“Your name has an E? Your legal name has an E? I put an E on your birth certificate?”

I said,

“Yes”

She replied,

“Hmm”

What a slap into reality…..

March 2, 2018 Friday 11:02pm Useless Sibling believes nothing’s wrong

My brother came down for my mother in law’s visitation today. He went by the house first to spend a few minutes with the crazy lady. When I asked him how it was he said he didn’t notice any difference. My 10 year old nephew could tell she wasn’t right. I asked him if his dad told him his meme’s brain had something wrong with it making her unaware of what she’s really doing? He said yes. I spent a few minutes talking to my brother and said he saw nothing wrong. The mister’s best friend was sitting next to me and I said, “how long were you at my house until you noticed something?” He said, “15 minutes and it was obvious. The first five minutes or so you’d never know, then boom.” I looked at him and said THANK YOU!!

Now if the 10 year old and a person who has never met her except at our wedding 15 1/2 years ago can notice WHY THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT?!?

I can’t handle his blindness right now. I will go back to ignoring him, it made life much simpler.

March 1, 2018 Thursday 8:45pm Blowup? No thank you already one

So this morning the crazy lady asked a question, ya know the millionth one in only a 45 minute time span.

My hired help answered by sayin we are not going to be around again today. Well you would have thought she killed her puppy.

Crazy lady responded with I am talking to my daughter you don’t know anything then went on to say something to the effect she was worthless.

Now that set off her husband and he screamed you will not talk to my wife like that.

Crazy lady kept saying they were worthless.

Finally after nearly 15 minutes she calmed down.

I thought the mister was going to kill her.

Later in the day a dear friend of mine called to send his condolences about my mother in law. We got to discussing my mom and he started telling me how mean I have been to my mom (I’ve posted a few rants on Facebook when I have had really really bad days). He for real made me cry. I don’t know if I’m so overly emotional because of tomorrow, if my level of handling my own mom has reached it’s breaking point or what. I don’t know if I should be mad or if he said it to make realize how I am treating her. Either way it was rough to hear, but I know he loves me and doing what he thinks is best.

February 28, 2018 Wednesday 8:06pm

Took the crazy lady to the pain doctor today. I showed him the summary from the Neuro and he says “my office is closing April 13 and you’ll have to find a new doctor”. This is great for me because it gives me an excuse to take her to the new doctor. She got only a 30 day supply of one med which who knows how long she’ll make it with all the others.

I am physically exhausted from all I have done to prepare for Friday and Saturday. I still have so much to do. I just want to cry between my mom and all with the mister’s mom. Until tomorrow……

February 27, 2018 Tuesday 7:18pm Took Crazy Lady to the grocery

In the midst of funeral preparations, my hired help and I gave in and took my mom to Kroger. We left at 4:33 under the direction to get in and get out in less than thirty minutes.

We dropped her off while we parked to give her a head start. We walked around and grabbed a few things. Of course we stopped at the clearance section. Score for us, which was a good thing for the crazy lady. The time we spent digging around allowed her more time to shop. When we finally finished we found her on the last aisle. Woohoo perfect timing, or so I thought. As she walked toward us she said, “I have to get my cream then walk the frozen aisles.” WTH? I told her we needed to go.

Jump to ten minutes later she gets in line in front of me. After her 15 items are put on the belt she walks away, this was after giving the cashier her credit card thinking it was the Kroger card. We get her to come back to pay. She swipes the card and again walks away. This time she goes toward an employee, who happens to be the store manager and asks for cigarettes. She gets the manager to get them all while the cashier is standing there holding the receipt with a look of what do I do now? My mom comes back then again walks away. I tell her she has to take her basket. This time she YELLS, “How can I take the basket when he (sacker) is still loading bags?” My help says to her, “we don’t need to yell” to which she replies, “oh yes we do when she (meaning me) does not listen.” She comes back and gets the basket. She was going to customer service because she needed a rain check for bobby-pins. Yes freaking bobby-pins which she has TEN FUCKIN MILLION!!

Now it was my turn to checkout. The cashier looked at us and with a straight face said, “How is your day going other than this excitement?” I told the cashier, “she legitimately has a brain disease this is her everyday”. She then said with a HUGE smile, “this was fun because it’s always so boring with old people and checks”. Oh to be only about 17.

We shockingly were only gone just two minutes over an hour. I am not looking forward to all the future trips I have coming. Tomorrow we go to the pain doctor and can not wait <—that there is 100% sarcasm. Tomorrow’s post should be entertaining, or completely frustrating, or utterly heartbreaking. FYI this doctor is a DO, not MD (I find DO’s lean more to mind over medicine to treat issues. Sorry if your spine is dissolving there is no amount of thought to make the pain stop, medication is needed) and has zero common sense, and I mean ZERO!

February 26, 2018 Monday 8:25pm

I left the crazy lady today to take care of things for my mother in law. She had asked the night before in her ever so angry way, for the keys be left incase there was an emergency. She did not understand there would be no emergency emergency enough for her to drive anywhere. She finally gave up. When I left this morning she did not say anything so I lucked out. The second I got home however it was brought up. She still contends I am not taking any mind altering medications therefore I CAN drive. No matter how many times she does something and we say and this is why you can’t drive she does not get it, which we understand.

Last night when we told her for the next week we would be in and out she told us to let her know about dinner so she would know to cook or not cook. My hired help looked at me and almost cried “how said she thinks she still cooks for y’all”. It kinda hit me that it’s really real, she does not have a grasp on reality.

Tonight she’s asking if the doctor last week gave her any new meds and if so she wants the names to research. Can’t have that because for the three seconds she reads what they are she will realize what they are and refuse to take them. I don’t know how long I can put this one off. Wish me luck.

February 25, 2018 Sunday 9:15pm Stats Stats Stats

And here is where we stand with the crazy lady. On top of this, the 200+ strokes must be added and the disappearing hippocampus. It all equals fun happy times for sure for sure. She still is insisting four to five times a day for the keys and we still say no. She knows we will not be around much the next 6-7 days and is DEMANDING her keys because emergencies can happen. She thinks nothings wrong with her. Yet every morning after she is given the bottle of meds she asks, “am I to take all these right now?” Yes nothing has changed. Then 5-10 minutes later she asks for her pills as if she has not gotten any. E V E R Y D A Y E V E R Y D A Y!! Am I to take all these? No of course not, randomly pick which ones.

Late this evening she stood talking to myself and the mister and said, “I know you’ll be busy all week so let me know if you want me to cook dinner and what”. It was so heartbreaking because she can not even comprehend she does not cook. Her memory component knows she used to cook and still thinks nothing is wrong. It even upsets my hired help.

Until tomorrow……

February 24, 2018 Saturday 9:46pm

Posting everyday was my goal. I screwed that up on the 21st when somehow I didn’t click publish and noticed on the 22nd when I came to post. Bummer doesn’t even begin to describe my mood, therefore my goal on a technically was shattered. I thought on January 1st when I started ‘how realistic is this’ ‘what if I get really sick and can’t even move’? Busted busted busted With my mother in law dying the next week is going to be rough making sure I post every night. Yes I realize in the big scope of life this is trivial.

February 23, 2018 Friday 8:44pm Sadness fills the air

Thirty six hours forty six minutes and some random seconds is how long I have been awake because at 2:17am my mother in law succumbed to the complications of her Easter Sunday liver transplant.

313 Days since transplant

119 Days longest stay

28 Days first scare

22 Days last stay

7 Days for transplant

218 Days in hospital

95 Days at home

……until we meet again….

February 22, 2018 Thursday 8:04pm I am allowed to scream right?

I am having one of those days where I ask myself what else can I take? My mother in law, who has been in the hospital for three weeks after being home only five weeks after a 124 days stay, coded. I get up to leave and not even five minutes after I leave my brother calls to tell me my mom has gone into my room and has taken all the med containers. Urghhhhh

I have a list of fifty things I neeeed to do and not enough time. I’m so out of whatever I don’t even remember a phone call I had yesterday about an important business matter. Again Urghhhhh

My head hurts and I want to scream and cry at the same time but don’t feel like I even have a tear to shed.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll elaborate on yesterday’s appointment. I’ll end with over 200 strokes, half the brain atrophied, and hippocampus almost devolved. Fun times for me why yes they are.

February 21, 2018 10:05pm Wednesday ……went to the doctor

Rain and all we drove down to the med center, the whole 35 miles in flooding rain we went. Valet the car only to find out the morons drove the van into the Caution 6’8″ sign scratching the entire roof. I called down for the head guy why came quickly. I was impressed he was an English speaking male. He apologized a thousand times over and wanted to make it right. He filed an insurance claim since so we go from there.

After that fiasco we saw the Doctor. . He was definitely definitely a doctor who knew his stuff. He told me “maam before you tell me anything please know u have spent years here looking only at scans. I know your mom’s issue is xyz we can’t change it but we can help it”.

It’s been a long day not reqdty to write all the details yet. Maybe tomorrow.

February 20, 2018 Tuesday 9:13pm A new day…same stuff

Waking up this morning there was calm. I knew it would not last so I had to take what I could get while I could get it. She took her morning meds and was resting on the couch when I told her I had to go get her meds and chocolate milk. I didn’t tell her the other two places I had to go to. I was gone less than three hours and crisscrossed town three times making six stops. When I got back her first words “don’t ever tell me I stay gone all day” to which I said I was gone less than three hours and made six different stops. I did buy her some chocolate in hopes she would be calm, however……..

About 30 minutes later she started on the keys again. When we once again told her no, this time she went into my brother’s room and started throwing his stuff on the floor. And she stole the 15 y/o’s $4.00. Her reason for the keys was to back up the car to water plants. When the almost 15 y/o got home he backed it up. Yet that was not good enough. About 15 minutes later she calmed down when the aide got here. My massage guy got here at the same time so I had nothing to do with her for an hour.

After all that she stayed remotely calm. She had a brief blow up about a trash bag but we calmed her down quickly. Tomorrow, tomorrow the sun’ll come out tomorrow except not here which SUCKS because tomorrow is the big FTD doctor appointment. We have been given a 90% chance of severe thunderstorms with heavy flooding!! Can I say how much I neeeeeeeeed this appointment but don’t need to get stuck in flood waters? Where I have to take her in right in the middle of flood zone numero uno of the med center. If I reschedule it will be pushed back until probably April….ughhhh

February 19, 2018 Monday 7:14pm Today…today we went fist to fist

Just when I think all is well, the crazy lady goes into my room demanding I give her the keys. Yes she still has not stopped demanding I give them to her. I was in the bathroom dealing with the clogged drains when she walked into my room. As she walked in she was screaming Give me my keys! I quickly, ok as quickly as I could, got in there to find her sitting on the bed still screaming Give me my keys! I continued to explain she was not getting them. She began looking around the room with a look of what can I do to hurt her. She studied my nightstand then said “you have one hour to hand them over or I’m calling the police” then got up and moved to the tv cabinet and grabbed my keys and the van keys. I yelled at her to put them down but of course she did not and moved like a gazelle out the door and closed it before I could grab it. The 30 seconds it took me to open the door was enough for her to get out the backdoor. This entire time I am yelling at her. My help comes out of the other room asking what do you want to do? We proceed out the backdoor and find her in the garage. My help goes to her and tries to reason with her for 5 minutes then gives up. About two minutes later she walks in the door. At this point I have blocked the doorway so she can not pass, so as she tries to come through I tell her Give me the fucking keys or I will drop you on the floor. To which she responds I know you will. I grabbed her pants and held her back with her fighting me. I felt both pockets and no keys. I let her go to the couch. She continued to yell Give me my keys and I will give you yours.

At this point I’m pissed the mister’s help put the van keys on the cabinet instead of keeping them since he was going to need them in a few hours. I didn’t care she took mine, but the extra van key is with the mister.

Ten minutes later the PT came. Shockingly she actually worked with her with no problems. As the PT was getting her ready the mister’s help was in the garage looking for the keys. He kept coming in saying he couldn’t find them. I asked if he looked in drawers, buckets, the refrigerator/freezer that’s out there? His answer was no. Then where the hell did you look? He kept saying she must have thrown them. No she wouldn’t because she couldn’t offer my keys for her keys. While the PT was working with her I went to the garage with my help and the mister’s help. I named a few places to look and on my 3rd place, BINGO there they were! Which again begs the question, 20 minutes and you could not find them, less than one minute and I found them.

After the PT left she asked if I found them and I said no. She ended up falling asleep for a few hours and when she woke up went outside to see if the van was gone. It was and she smartassly asked if we jumped it. An hour or so later she asked if I found mine, again I said no so she went outside. When she came back inside, she asked a final time then said if you don’t have them then I don’t know where they are because they are not where I put them. I said oh well.

Jump a few hours later to when the mister got home…well mister’s help felt it was his job to tell him about what happened. Why did you fell it was your place to tell him? So he comes in saying nothing. Ten minutes later he made some smartalic statement about me not telling him what happened. Fifteen minutes into it he still does not hear it was MY KEYS as well not just his! He is convinced I did not stick up for him, and questions my every thought. Why? Because he isn’t fucking listening to what I am saying!! I gave up and called out his behavior toward me as that of a fucking asshole. I never call him names like that so he knew I was pissed. And I left it there.

Ten minutes later my help and I went into the bathroom. She told me she was sorry mister’s help (her husband) told him. She could hear our arguing, but because he was fixing mister’s dinner on the other side of the house he could not. She tried to explain to him what was occurring between him and me now and all he could say was I said it jokingly. Then the two of them started arguing to which she said it was all his fault. This was after two hours earlier him getting gas and not following directions, so her and I both were mad at him—> when you have a discount card that saves you $.70 a gallon you use it! If the ID number given you does not work, you try something else, if you don’t know a different number how about YOU CALL THE DAMN PERSON WHO IS PAYING FOR IT AND OWNS THE VEHICLE!! Nooooo you just fill up because it’s not your money, what’s it matter to you right?!? Right. Oh that pissed me off beyond anything I can explain right now because the filling up today is due to the way he is driving but is so uneducated in anything he does not understand. Urghhhhhhh

It has been two hours since the arguing. Oh yea, the crazy lady heard the arguing and ever so daintily asked, did I do something I hear my name? For real as if nothing happened, as if she does not remember a damn thing!! How is this even possible?!?

Oh the fun of FTD…….

February 18, 2018 Sunday 7:51pm Am I the crazy one?

The big issue with FTD I have learned is the number of family members who start to think they are the crazy ones. Why? Because days will come like today where everything we have experienced is questioned. The behavior of our loved one seems spot on normal. Even though as in my case, I spent the last 13 days giving 24/7 care, a day like today with them behaving as if nothing is happening makes me wonder is there something truly wrong? All the wishing of wanting them to ‘just wake up in the morning “normal”‘ looks like it happened, but truly you understand it is not the case.

If anyone came over today there is no way they would ever believe anything I experienced the last two weeks. Today she is walking on her own with no walker. Now she’s not 100%, when the PT comes tomorrow she’s going to lose her mind. Last Wednesday she would not even stand. She believes she’s perfectly able to drive now. Part of me says maybe seeing her today, but the other part says no. She got so mad today when I wouldn’t give her the keys she grabbed mail from my room and threw it in the trash…that right there is the FTD.

Now we go to bed tonight with two days to convince her to go to the big Neuro doctor.

February 17, 2018 Saturday 9:35pm Who needs hair?

You know on your typical 30 minute (22 taking away commercial breaks) sitcom when a youngster cuts their own hair at about the 6 minute mark and everybody laughs; then at about the (27 minute w/commercials) 19 minute mark (excluding commercials)–cue the laughtrack ooo’s and ahhh’s–the parental figure hugs the youngster, says something mushy, tears begin to fall, and it ends with the youngster saying, “I won’t ever do this again. I love you”.

Oh how real life is so different than a 22 minute sitcom. Crazy lady’s knot today had her in rare form. This time she was yelling:

That crazy bitch made this knot. Why would anyone put a ponytail into a knot? How can you tell me I caused this fucking knot? I did not that bitch lady did. She’s never coming back in my house. See this is what government workers do. They have no fear for anything because they know they will never get fired.

When she stopped for a minute she asked for the green folder all workers must sign to prove they were here. Thursday when the aide was here, who has her own folder with her paperwork along with a signature sheet for clients to sign, she had my mom sign. My mom wrote a note about the aide being a bitch. The aide walked over to me in the hall and showed me the sheet, which I could not read (that in itself shows me how much my mom is not all there. She prides herself on Palmer Penmanship), then started a new sheet. Back to the green folder…she asked for it because she wanted to write another note about the aide. Crazy lady would not not not accept it was a different folder. Same deal on Thursday but reversed–>she was convinced the aide had taken her folder and would not give it back.

Soooooo…….what did she truly want to write? I had to cut off my hair to get rid of the giant fucking knot your employee gave me.

My brother’s help today worked for 15 minutes on the knot. They made a little progress. My mom told them she would work on it throughout the day however if it seemed like no progress was happening she would cut it. Half of her hair was totally knot free! Later on she asked me to try. I sprayed 1/3 of a bottle of No More Tangles with no luck.

All of the above happened before 3:00pm. I go in at 5:00pm to give her her evening meds, turn my head and HOLY BATMAN ROBIN, the knot was sitting on the table!! She put her hair in a semi bun on the top of her head. I have no clue what her hair will look like when it’s down. My hope is the knot did not grab the top top layer so it will hang down and hide the giant gaping HOLE where hair should be!!

Until tomorrow………

February 16, 2018 Friday 7:38pm I need a Break!

Today today today……yesterday’s cursing continued into today. She was ok when the aide came this afternoon. She allowed her to work on the knot in her hair. But then….oh but then when she left my mom put her pillow back on the pillow and felt a giant bump. What could it be, but the knot? Oh not according to her. Even though I have watch for 5 visits this lady work on it and today actually free half of her hair, it couldn’t possibly be the knot. Oh no just ask her.

My older brother texted yesterday How’s it going. Really asswhad, my phone number called yours EIGHT days ago and this is the best you can do? My other brother was included in the text and he has not replied either. I have many choice words for him and I will only get one chance to get it all out so I am working on perfecting my not so nice reply.

On top of all this, the mister, who I thought may have had a turning point in his interaction with the crazy lady, went batshit crazy this afternoon before he left for work. The next few days should be interesting, can’t wait…..

February 15, 2018 Thursday 7:25pm Curse like a Sailor? Why yes she can!

This is the type of day I had. The home health aide came today. My mom has a knot in her hair the size of a softball and the aide has been working on it everyday. For whatever reason today my mom went off on the poor lady.

You bitch. You are not leaving this house until my hair is dry. I will have you fired. Bitch. Bitch. You are never coming back in my fucking house you fucking bitch. Who the hell taught you how to brush out a tangle? You obviously are not a mother to daughters with long hair. This is not how you fucking wash hair bitch.

This type of behavior went on for twenty minutes. It got so bad my hired help came running in yelling at me, “you can’t let her talk like that to her. If I was her I would have left already. Tell the lady to leave and I will finish”. Ok I get it. I told my mom she needed to stop, but this is a mental disease! There is no amount of reasoning that will make her stop. It is like telling a newborn to stop crying. Will not happen because they do not understand. My mom does not understand. My hired help does not get this. I try to explain what exactly Frontal lobe means, but again they are one of those who hear dementia and think they know it all. They are always telling me “when I worked in the home” to which I have asked a million and one times, “were they FTD”? They always answer dementia is dementia. No no no it is not!

I wish I could wear a sign that says:

FRONTAL LOBE BRAIN DAMAGE IS LIKE NOTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT UNTIL YOU LIVE WITH IT!!

The aide comes about 4:00pm and like clock work the crazy lady amps up to full crazy about 4:45-5:00pm every day. Can not wait for tomorrow when she comes back. I guess there is something to say about consistency.

February 14, 2018 Wednesday 8:09pm HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

Valentine’s Day. A day to profess your love. Romantic or other. This disease, FTD, tests your love for your family member that is for sure. It makes you realize how much you do love them and just how devastating it is to watch them slowly lose who they are. I often think back to an article I read written by a mom titled The Last Time about not realizing it was the last time she fixed his booboo, filled the bathtub, tied his shoe etc. With my mom I have done more thinking that is humanly possible about all the lasts that I did not know were the lasts. I have yet to cry about it, but I know it is close. The last really good meal. The last trip shopping. The last of me waiting in the car for over an hour while she “runs” in for one thing. There are a hundred more.

February 13, 2018 Tuesday 8:23pm HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Forty Five years ago on Mardi Gras I was born. I wish I was educated enough to know why each year holidays like this, Ash Wednesday, and Easter are on different days. January 6th always starts the ‘season’ yet Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday can happen from today as example, all the way to March 6th. Makes no sense.

Today was a better day. I had to make a few important calls today and would love to know who decided people who do not speak English should be the ones who answer the phone to answer questions when people have to call a business?? I can not explain what I want any more than I already am. It is beyond frustrating when I have to depend on you for what I absolutely need. I often wonder if people in Singapore or Asia call call centers that employ Americans and have the same problems we have? Things that make you go hmmmm……

February 12, 2018 Monday 7:13pm Holy Guacamole My Doctor went above and beyond

Today was my every eight week appointment with Dr. Doctor’s partner. He immediately asked what was wrong? When I told him about my mom’s week, he said,

“Please now I’m not trying to step over anything you are doing and know you are doing the best you can and what you think is best. I want to tell you I am the Chief Medical Officer at xyz hospital and I can have my person at your house today to evaluate her to see about a short 4-5 day intense rehab.”

I looked at him and almost cried. He gets it! I told him she is improving ever so slowly and is getting home therapy. Because his hospital is over 45 minutes away it is not an easy choice. Yes I know the pros, I also know she will call me every five minutes wanting this wanting that and be combative. Am I choosing me over her care? No I am not.

Today she went to the bathroom by herself yet she moaned and whined alllllll day. We are trying a new nighttime cocktail, wish us luck she actually falls AND stays asleep. This morning she was awake at 5:22am. Oh how unhappy we were. Please please please sleep past 5:30! Let’s aim for 9:00am!!

February 11, 2018 Sunday 7:50pm I need some cheese to go with Crazy Lady’s whine

I have been utterly frustrated this weekend thus the lack of true writing. The positive is she’s getting up to walk to the bathroom. Ok it’s not walk walking it is hobbling using the walker, but at least she is moving. The negative which is about to make me cut my head off is her constant MOANING and WHINING!!

This morning she woke up at 6:33am! WTH?!? Screaming she wanted her meds. The 14 y/o came downstairs and gave her them, but she continued to the point NOBODY went back to sleep. The mister worked late last night and I didn’t fall asleep until after 2:00am; the 14 y/o stayed up as all do until after 3:00am he said, so we all had hardly any sleep. About 9:25 she got so pissed off she tried to go into the garage. She hobbled hanging onto to things to get out the door. The 14 y/o ran downstairs to get her. She was using the rolling ice chest to support herself and was falling right as he opened the door. He caught her, but according to her he pushed her down. He then had to lock the deadbolt to keep her inside. Oh she found an old nasty cigarette butt he said she was trying to smoke.

Our help got her at 10:00am and she started her demanding ways. When I say it has not stopped and it is 8:08pm, it has not stopped! Once she almost fell asleep but the door opened and she never again dosed off. I lost count how many times she lost the remote in the blankets, yet accused us of moving it. Finally she found a rubber band and stuck the remote onto her tablet case and it has not been lost since. 2pts for her creativity I suppose. The moaning and whining has not stopped all day!! See I’m so frustrated I just repeated my thought from two sentences above here 😩

I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning so it will be her and my brother from about 8:30am-12:00pm. I can NOT wait to hear how bad it was when I get home. Hopefully she will continue to improve so next week I can get her to the big FTD doctor!

Off to medicate her so we can all get a few hours of peace and quiet!!

February 9, 2018 Friday 11:45pm Social Worker going beyond her area of needs and in turn overstepping her role

I have 14 minutes to get out my dislike for social workers that believe they are God and know exactly what is right wrong etc etc.

Walk into my house and it’s controlled chaos. Yes there are three physically disabled but NOT FUCKING MENTALLY, infact we are college DEGREED!! This lady saw all our precleaning buckets of crap and her facial expressions turned to “APS NEEDS TO COME HERE”. I looked at her and said before you write any note know this, before she got sick on December 9, she was out of the house by 9am and returned after 6-7pm. She was go to go and we all were cleaning out, but we all stopped cold when she got sick. I did not like her and hope she stays away!! I’ll finish my rant in tomorrow’s update because it pissed me off so much!

February 8, 2018 Thursday 8:31pm The Bathroom Fiasco with a side of a Brother who knows it all…..

The PT came today. This morning she was determined she was getting up and walking to her car. We of course said no because we knew full well she was not able to get up. Perhaps I should have said sure if you can by yourself, but my luck she would fall on her ass.

We did in the morning get her to the bathroom. That is where the fun began. With FTD one of the big issues is playing with pee and poop. She sat down and then ask what to do. Had to tell her go to the bathroom, then get the toilet paper to wipe. Each time I had to tell her to wipe. Each time I had to tell her to put the toilet paper in the toilet. This endeavor took about 20 minutes. Got her back on the couch.

She ate an entire can of cinnamon rolls! That is EIGHT! Then for lunch she ate an entire fully loaded bake potato. After lunch she finally fell asleep of course right before the PT arrived. The PT had to wake her up. She did not want to do anything. When I told her stop complaining because a few hours earlier she was convinced she was going outside, her response was, “well I changed my mind”. The PT was able to walk her twice from the couch to the front door and back. She did fairly well with the walker compared to earlier when she held onto the help.

Listening to her talk I, myself, am beyond perplexed as to what is real and what is her being dumb and answering silly answers. Last night as an example, she thought she had four children with Alicia being the oldest but did not remember the other names. A few minutes later she said LaRicka was my sister, how did I not know that? But then in the same sentence yelled at me stating my name then finishing the sentence by asking, “aren’t you Alicia”? I continued to ask questions, easy ones she did not get yet she recalled her mom and dad’s full name. One minute she seems like she is returning to herself, then the next minute she reverts to acting like a toddler.

This week has mentally aged me at least 10 years. My feelings of last week being ok with almost wishing it so of her dying have turned into there is no way I can care for her alone if today is the best she will ever be. I also kept replaying my conversation with my best friend where we both agreed my older brother is going to swoop down on the day I am sitting at the funeral home making arrangements trying to portray himself as the loving doting son. Then when what ever service I YES I DECIDE NOT HIM, he will once again TRY to stand before the small number of individuals and say, “she fought a long battle I personally watched firsthand, yes it was difficult, but I did it because she is my mom and was there for me when my own parents were not, so OF COURSE I was there!” All while my close group of people will be laughing and waiting our turns to everso subtlety tell it like it is!! There are even a few of the Prosisiter/Antibrother Bandwagon including myself believing my sister in law will not even show up.

***SIDENOTE BACKGROUND INFO NEEDED FOR CONTINUED RRADING***

Now she showed up to my 40th birthday party for less then 2 hours. All four showed up about 9:40pm to a party which started at 4:00pm! They stayed in a hotel and said they wanted to visit their old neighbors before they drove 4 1/2 hours back home, so they never even came back by. This was five years ago next month. Every time their family has had a reason, which have been many, to be in town only my brother came except once and they actually showed up with ANOTHER FREAKING CHILD!! Now I do not have a big issue bringing a complete stranger here but 1) have enough decency to ask first 2) have enough decency to ask first 3) have enough decency to ask first. Did this child’s parents know what he was going to be exposed to in relation to my mom? 100% NO. If you are bringing your children to see their cousin so they can make memories, why the FUCK did you bring again a complete stranger!!

They moved out of town back in 1998/9. From there they were either 3 1/2 or now 4 1/2 hours away. Not one holiday, not one child birthday, not one Mother’s Day, not one just because!! They have been to wherever her mom and or dad were always. Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, South Carolina and I think Kentucky even. 2010 my mom spent close to 90 days hospitalized, coded twice, on vent, finally had a DNR issued. It was bad. My SiL never showed ONE TIME!! That tells me everything!! Not even a quick handwritten note to say I am thinking of you sorry I could not personally be there. It was the god damn middle of the summer and she is not a medical doctor caring for critically ill individuals. She has been here F O U R I REPEAT FOUR fucking times, her children possibly three, but leaning to four.

To say there’s a wee bit of hostility there is complete understatement. They deserve this shame so much!! Sadly will never come close to stepping up to be what they should be. Now I began this tangent because I do not want my brother to get all the praise for caring for her. In fact he deserves None Zero Nada Zilch Nope see the patterned? Same principle as “you do the crime you serve the time” just change it to “you put in the time you get out the prize” I will live the rest of my life up to what ever day it is, to make damn sure the entire world sees what a selfish individual he and his family are to the one group of individuals you are always suppose to looked over–> FAMILY <– She begged to call him last night, gave her a phone, she left a message, and guess what?!? He has not called her back!!! Thirty-two hours later not even a text message. Her voice was frail and not normal. Her grammar was nowhere near that of an English/Language Arts certified teacher who always corrects lay and lie, done and finished, and dropping a participle, so why no call? Because he doesn’t care!!!

They probably do not even teach their children their grandmother has a horrible terrible disease. Atleast the almost 15 y/o here knows his grandmother is not healthy. He knows it is only going to get worse. He knows most of what she says is gibberish. He knows the truths!

February 7, 2018 Wednesday 3:24pm Crazy Lady tried to Cure her cough on her own!

So yesterday evening we all noticed she was acting ‘drunk’ and we could not figure out what was different. I held off on any of her ‘mind altering’ meds last night. She did stay asleep, so much so she slept through the alarm being set off at 2:30am when the garage door blew open! And slept through knocking a bucket of stuff off the coffee table. I on the other hand did not!! In fact I barely went back to sleep before the mister started getting ready for work at 7:00am. On top of that which is a side note, I started feeling like I was running a fever about 4:00am.

This morning at 7 when the help got here, they busted in the door making all kinds of noise. I was so mad and said, “please try to be quiet”. Then when another helper showed up about 8:00am they actually went to my mom and engaged her, which I know they were only trying to help, but since they are only here for two hours they do not see what we deal with when she is awake. After my mom ate her burnt to a crisp bagel because that is how she likes them, my help arrived and gave her her morning meds. When she opened the Mucinex, which she’s only been taking since Sunday so two a day means 6 would be gone, maybe 8 because one or two days she did take two at a time, there were more missing than what I calculated. Fun fun, but everything I have read says she will be fine because it’s not the potent type with the other ingredient. What we can’t figure out is how she got them? All I can think of is the home health aide moved them within reach of her grabber.

Fun times with FTD! They think they know it all

February 6, 2018 Tuesday 7:15pm

After yesterday I was not looking forward to today at all! When the mister left for work he did not even try to ask if she needed anything which pissed me off. The PT and aide came today. With the PT she actually walked to the bathroom. The aide bathed her as best she could without actually getting in the bathtub. After all that she finally took a nap around 3:30 and slept til 5. Her questioning was not as bad, but she was more confused than she’s been ever. She was 100% convinced she was in METHODIST Hospital. She also thought we could call Popeyes, tell them the spice was too much, and exchange the chicken for new pieces with no seasoning. She refused to accept no as an answer. We have mutually decided to hold off giving her the sleeping med until 9:30-10 hoping she will sleep later or at least past 7:30!!

Here’s to tomorrow……

February 5, 2018 Monday 7:44pm

Here’s how my day went.

Screaming heard from the other room:

7:45am Daughter daughter daughter

8:00am “ “ “

8:15am “ “ “

8:30am “ “ “

8:45am “ “ “

Give and get up to go see them.

9:00am I want a waffle.

They get 2 waffles, eat both.

9:15am Why do I have to take medicine?

They are told because they need to.

9:30am I want another waffle.

They get another waffle.

9:45am Where’s the remote?

They are given the remote.

10:00am What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

10:05am Where’s the remote?

They are given the remote.

10:30am What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

11:00am what’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

11:30pm Why do I have to take THIS medicine?

They are told because they need to.

Fight some when trying to get them to change clothes.

12:00pm They fall asleep and there is quiet until 2:45pm

2:45pm I want a drink and I want it now! Why do I have to take more medicine?

They are told because they need to.

2:50pm Where’s the remote?

They are given the remote.

3:00pm What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

3:10pm What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

3:15pm What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

4:00pm What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings.

4:10pm I need a drink now! Where’s the remote?

They are given both.

4:15pm What’s for dinner?

They are asked if they want soup and given a cup of soup.

4:45pm What’s for dinner?

They are told hamburgers and onion rings and reminded they are in the process of eating soup.

5:15pm Give me something for my teeth.

5:20pm What’s for dinner?

They are finally given the hamburger and onion rings.

5:45pm They start screaming they want ice cream.

They are told not yet.

6:00pm They finish eating and are screaming the food is stuck in their teeth and want ice cream.

They are told to hold on a second

6:05pm They are still screaming

They are told they have to wait.

6:10pm They are still screaming.

They are brought the ice cream (which they took maybe two bites because it was not melted enough to eat).

6:20pm They are screaming I need help. Where’s the remote?

They are given the remote and helped get situated.

6:55pm Why am I getting this medicine?

They are told because you need it……and I have reached my limit on dealing with you so here’s something to go to sleep!!!

And today was a good day, at least she knew how to use the remote yesterday she did not. After the last 2 1/2 days it reminds me and is very very very apparent why children put their parent somewhere and sadly never visit.

Now for me to get some sleep so I can do it all over again tomorrow.

February 4, 2018 Sunday 7:45pm

Sooo as predicted, the crazy lady woke up before the help got here and started screaming, “somebody help me, I need my Norco” around 9:15. The 14 y/o came down to help shockingly without arguing. He truly does surprise me at times. When I got up 30 minutes later I gave her the rest of her meds. All I could think about is how much I detest my older brother that has ZERO F’ING CLUE what it is like here, especially the last two months.

About 1:30 we were able to get her clothes changed. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. She stood up by herself after a little help to get up from the couch. Definitely was not expecting that. After changing and resituating her, along with me trying to figure out how to work an inhaler where you insert a pill, puncture the pill, then inhale (wth? Why would any such thing ever be invented?) I was able to give her her afternoon meds and she shortly afterwards fell asleep. I just woke her up twenty minutes ago to feed her and give her more meds which includes a sleeping pill so she will stay asleep. In the morning we will run again into the same problem, but the 14 y/o leaves for school at 6:15. The help gets here at 9 if not a bit before then.

Again today though she sleep most of it, the interactions we had tell me my mom is not there. Yes she is in there and it comes out every so often, but needing directions for every little thing……..just now she told my brother that lives here, she does not recognize this as her house. This disease is not like any ‘dementia’ 99% of people know about, it’s indescribable. Thank your higher power, your juju, your what ever, you do not have to deal with this. The only person I’d ever wish this on would be my dad that is how awful it is.

February 3, 2018 Saturday 9:38pm

Dating entries I like it. What I did not like was after posting last night’s entry for what ever reason the website said it was already today. I know it was Friday, but in keeping with the site’s ‘postaday’ tag it looks like I did not post breaking the everyday posting.

Crazy lady came home today. My oh my oh my….talking over the phone did not show how bad she is. The FTD is going strong and hard. She had no clue what the remote was, could not make complete thoughts, just overall childlike behaviors. It is frustrating beyond frustrating. I see why people put their loved one in a home and then stop visiting. It’s better for both sides.

I was able to give her a sleeping pill so hopefully she will sleep all night. Morning is going to be interesting since help doesn’t get here until 9 and I foresee her waking up well before then. Fun times ahead I’m sure.

I’m going to get ready to be ready to go to sleep the second the mister gets home.

February 2, 2018 Friday 10:52pm

Title? Smitle!

Per my handwritten journals, every entry began with these three tidbits of information.

Today a doctor finally called after chewing out the social worker. In talking with the doctor, who only got on her case yesterday, she asked why I wanted to talk to her? Gee can’t imagine why? When I told her I’d been trying since SUNDAY to have a doctor call and only ONCE did they and when they did didn’t leave a message, she says, “well I would not leave a message if you did not answer”. Wtf?!? How does a medical professional call a family member and not at least leave a message which says, “hi I am Dr. So and So sorry I missed you I will try to reach you again but wanted to let you know XYZ”. I am still shaking my head at that one. Anywho, she’s being discharged tomorrow to either come home or to a rehab, which means….H O M E. Tonight about 7:30 she called screaming aaaaannnnddd crying at the same time, she was checking herself out and I better have someone there to get here. Uh ok, not happening. Twenty seven, yes twenty seven minutes later and three medical professionals later I was able to semi calm her down. The day nurse that was getting off spoke to me over the phone and like me did not understand why all of a sudden was acting apeshit crazy. Hopefully since she never called back she was able to get enough meds to fall asleep. I can say I AM NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM LOOKING FORWARD TO HER BEING HOME!!! She is not who she was before the nerve block and sadly do not think she will ever be ‘prenerve block’.

My MiL today is no different. She was able to answer a few basic questions like is the sky blue, but not others like are there fish in the ocean? An MRI was set for late afternoon/early evening to check for possible seizure, stroke or something along those lines. Her ammonia levels per the RN have not been tested. Why? Who knows, hopefully that’s not true.

I shall call it a night, the mister should be home any minute,

Why Must I Title Each Post?

If I am writing for myself, do I need a title? Nope, sure do not. In a few years if this site is still around how will I know when I wrote? Will it say more than one, three, five years from now? How will I be able to find July 9, 2019? Unlike pen and paper where I can flip through looking at dates how do I do that online? Perhaps I can search by date. Maybe it is easier than I think.

I think I will try a new approach tomorrow, that is if I remember hehehe.

The crazy lady is still in the hospital. The NP called today. Her O2 levels on room air are not getting as high they should, BUT she really is not as sick as they originally thought. The pneumonia is viral and a result of the flu. I spoke to her this evening and she sounded like nothing was wrong. It was mentioned sending her to a skilled nursing/rehab place, but we all know she will refuse to go.

Oh the life…details to come……..

One month straight

In a month of craziness, I applaud myself for finding the few minutes each night to write something, anything. Only 334 more days to reach my goal. It is kinda sad though on more than one occasion I thought to myself “if I do not write tonight what a complete failure I am because it has not even been ten days, fifteen days, twenty three days etc etc.” I realize this mediocre ‘prize’ for lack of better words is nothing in the big scope of life, but it is what it is.

We went to see the MiL at therapy today. The mister kept telling everyone when they asked “mom’s doing good” even though his stepdad would say otherwise. When she was on the phone she could not hold her thoughts. I knew something was not right. Today my thoughts were confirmed. When we got there she smiled big and was able to answer who I was, but it went south from there. She knew the names of her two sons, but not who was older. She did not know the help’s name, but did know her husband’s name. She did not know the name of her grandchildren. I asked if she had one, two, three, four? She was not sure if she had one-three but new she did not have four. Watching her is incredible sad. She is not there. I told the mister today, it may be morbid but is it wrong to wish both moms go st the same time so we can morn at one time? Two weeks ago I would have never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but seeing my mom last Friday, Saturday, Sunday opened my eyes to what is to come. Now of course I do not wish death on her and life will SUCK, but maybe it is best.

Crazy lady is SIIIIIICK

Labs came back after last night’s post and crazy lady is sicker than we ever thought. She has bad double pneumonia AND the FLU!! Has Ren and Stimpy said

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

Good times ahead for all. I texted my doctor at 9:10pm and by 9:15pm Tamiflu was called in to the pharmacy. As of today three of us will be taking tamiflu and by tomorrow it could be all four of us as the 14 y/o has an 11am appointment because his doctor wants to swab first.

Let’s all say it together now….no flu no flu.

On a completely different note, I went to Michaels to buy their $4 grab bags of Christmas leftovers. I got ten bags and one outside lighted yard decoration that was also $4 (originally $69.99). My grand total with tax $47. When all the original prices were added my pretax total was $1,664.30, with tax $1,801.60!!

PURE PURE CRAZINESS!!!

What else can happen you ask? Allow me to elaborate.

I found this picture today while looking for something else and thought it was too perfect.

Now I do not think my life truly sucks, I have just obviously been given a crap ton more than one person should ever ever be given. And I know my mom is not truly crazy, but since I call her ‘the crazy lady’ IT FITS.

So today the mister got trapped in the van. I got griped at by the help ‘this is what happens when maintenance isn’t kept up’. I barely let the words finish before I said ‘excuse me, maintenance had never not been done on the vehicle’ They proceeded to tell me no it’s not and it’s an old vehicle that’s falling apart. Bite me butthole, mister who could not even afford to pay what I pay for maintenance every year has no room to talk. As I told my brother, they are nice people and I do like them, but they have never owned anything of value that needed to be cared for so have zero opinion. I also learned today their child broke my mailbox and yet again they are blind to anything. I get told over and over when discussing hours I can not expect their child to sit still for over an hour every evening. What do they do? Allow him to go outside unsupervised to destroy what ever he wants. Even when I show the child and mom video of what he did it is as if nothing happened. He does not get in trouble, nothing!!

Today’s or rather yesterday’s ER labs came back. Without talking to anyone going strictly by labs they are looking at congestive heart failure or severe kidney disease. I will get more information soon.

Another day, another moment of shaking my head in disbelief

Timestamp 5:12am

Crazy lady hasn’t stopped moaning since moving back to the couch from the bathroom.

Timestamp 8:30am

Hired help arrives in a grouchy mood and within 45 minutes is out the door with the mister.

Timestamp 11:00am

Obvious it is going to be the third consecutive day with zero help. Yea me! NOT!

Timestamp 12:45pm

Crazy lady decides to try to go to the bathroom. On the third attempt, she gets there with help from the 14 y/o. Discussion happens between myself and my brother regarding what to do now.

Timestamp 1:30pm

EMS arrives after we got an O2 reading of 67. The EMT says she hears a lot of liquid in her upper lungs. Off to the ER they go.

Timestamp 3:00pm

ER doctor calls to get more detailed history and confirms O2 is crazy low and should have never been released eight days ago.

Timestamp 4:46pm

Make my way to the bathroom to find last night’s mess and just want to scream! Not only is there that mess, the sinks now are backing up into each other and I let out a loud blood curling scream of pure frustration.

Timestamp 5:30pm

Finished eating one medium sized fish taco while waiting for the mister to get home. He’s now over an hour late and my frustration is building. My bp probably is not a point below 200/100. I speak from reference of the night before when it was 163/120.

Timestamp 6:15pm

The mister arrives and the hired help says “if you give me a minute I will help you”. What the hay?!? You could have been here at any point throughout the day and FREAKIN HELPED ME!!

Timestamp 9:01pm

Get update from hospital. She’s in a room and on 4 liters of O2. Myself, I have yet to calm down from three days of being helpless. The mister did finagle his way out of work tomorrow using the crazy lady as the reason why. Can not wait to see what actually transpires.

Soooooo to summarize my day…….

1) did not sleep AGAIN

2) help did not come AGAIN

3) crazy lady went to the hospital AGAIN

4) bathroom sinks clogged AGAIN

5) mister gone all day AGAIN

6) I just want to scream at the top of my lungs THIS ALL F’ING SUCKS ASS!! AGAIN

If you are a sibling and your parents are still alive, don’t abandon your other sibling(s) if your parent(s) can not care for themselves.

My situation is a bit non-normal. I have two siblings, one biological (younger) and one biologically my cousin (older). The older one has lived with us since they were a toddler, but for some unknown reason has resentment toward the rest of us. Since the beginning of this journey, hell even years before this started when she had an unidentifiable blood infection that had her hospitalized for 13 weeks, nothing the younger one and I have tried to tell them has sunk in. The go to when anything has been said has been “I’m over four hours away what do you expect me to do” or their absolute favorite “keep me posted”. I could retire a wealthy wealthy individual even if I was paid only a nickel for each time the latter was said to me.

What happens when either of these are said is the weight of the world falls upon the 14 year old. What decent human being would allow anyone to do that?? If roles were reversed and it was their 14 year old, I would be arrested for child abuse, not only because of my actions but because they are holier than holy and no one would dare treat their child that way.

These last two days have once again reinforced to me there should be a law against having only children, just incase of instances like hers. No one ever ever should be left alone to handle a situation such as mine. You might think…oh there is a spouse so she is not alone. WRONG WRONG WRONG

Our evening adventure had the mister at work, sibling one in bed with the door closed as to not even help by yelling, and the crazy lady moaning while the 14 y/o lifted her up to shuffle to the bathroom where she proceeded to take off the diaper underwear which allowed two giant balls of crap fall on the floor which in turn were stepped on. As I told the 14 y/o, playing with their poop is one stage of this disease. Fun times isn’t it, I told them?!? They just shook their head. Thirty minutes later he was able to finally get her back on the couch. It has been another thirty-five minutes and the moaning finally stopped. I can only hope she does not try to get up before morning. Tomorrow will not be any better because the mister has to leave about 9:45 or 10 1/2 hours from now and I can already sense the hired help’s attitude when it is mentioned the crazy lady needs to go back to the ER. Their attitude is itself a matter, as I have before mentioned, the mister and I need to have a pow wow about sooner than later.

As I close allow me to leave you with this one thought….do not be a douche, bitch, dick, butthole, moron, ass, etc etc IF YOU BELONG TO A FAMILY which we all do PARTICIPATE!! It is NOT one person’s responsibility to handle EVERYTHING nor are you able to just fling responsibility onto others.

I can only hope karma is a bitch and will bite you in the ass in the end. Or in my case ignore the buttholes in-turn causing them to miss out on what is a great family. Their loss!!!

Today’s FTD moment brought to you by the letters D and F

Today has been a day full of pure FRUSTRATION, the letter F, unlike I have not had in a long time. Yesterday and again today, the crazy lady was 100% convinced her mom was here…thus the letter D. I must have told her at least four times her mom had been dead for 14 years. One time when she asked if I told her mom about her latest hospital stay and I said no, she replied with, “then you called directly to heaven and spoke to her?” Haha my mom would have never said her mom was in heaven, that’s how much she hated her.

All day long she was acting like a toddler. Not doing anything you asked and taking hours to even put on a pair of pants. I lost my patience around 5pm. By this point the mister left for work and my brother might as well not have been home all day since he was in bed and not in his chair.

We got the walker out of the closet finally and she’s half using it, but this evening she went to the kitchen bathroom then yelled for me to bring it to her. I asked how did she get from the walker to the bathroom, do that to get from the bathroom to the walker. It was as if I cured cancer. Haha

I took away her medicines today and told her she will now have to get them from me. She actually seemed ok and later asked for one. If she comes out of this state of being she might not feel the same way, but we shall see.

I can not wait to go to sleep and be done with today. Tomorrow it is somebody else’s turn. Yea right who am I kidding? It is me, always me and only me. MY FAMILY SUCKS!!

Only took 25 days….

I believe I have finally figure out this crazy thing called ‘the WordPress app’. Last night I accidentally hit a button which led to somewhere and as we all know happens, the internet rabbithole, twenty minutes later, and more button hitting than I could count…I was a new person.

Look out blogosphere here comes tags, links, fancy fonts, etc etc.

Starting tomorrow I am going to approach this with an entire different approach. Plus I got a new script for my sleeping med so I should be well rested and ready to write! Even the crazy lady won’t be able to keep me down.

Rice is not suppose to be crunchy

We all have had rice, plain ol white rice. I ate a ton of rice growing up in the south. Red beans and rice was a weekly staple, so I would like to think I know a lil something about rice. Rice should be somewhat mushyesk. Rice should not be crunchy or remotely uncooked and hard. Right? Right!

The other day I was offered cauliflower rice. It was explained to me you can’t taste a difference. Ok. I have seen cauliflower used to make mash potatoes, brownies, among other things. So I thought why not give it a try.

HUUUUUUUGE mistake!

While there was zero taste to it, it was as if I was eating uncooked rice. All I could think of was, great now I will be apprehensive of eating rice because I will think every bite will be hard. Ya know like after you eat shell in a bite of hard boiled egg or egg salad? Yes that kind of apprehension. Heck the first food most babies eat is rice. Why, because it is MUSHY, again I repeat M U S H Y. I see no youngster begging to eat crunchy rice anytime soon.

I am off to eat some pudding, atleast I have zero chance of there being any crunch to it, well as long as I do not leave it in the refrigerator too long to get hard edges.

The Liebster Award

I am twenty-three days into blogging and was nominated for the Liebster Award!! Being new to this I had no idea what it was, but now I do 😁

I am going to try to link pages where I am suppose to, but if it does not work please forgive me and know I am trying. Cut and paste from the person that nominated me helps hehe I might be updating numerous times to get it correct so if you are reading keep checking back!!

Thank you for nominating me Embrace Your Glow. Please check out their blog.

What is the Liebster Award?

This is an award given out to bloggers by bloggers to show appreciation and recognition for contributing to the online community. The goal of the award is to keep creators networking and inspiring one another.

What are the rules?

Give a shout out to the blogger who nominated you.

Answer their questions to you.

Nominate 5-11 bloggers for the Liebster Award.

Write your own 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

Inform those whom you have nominated.

Here are the blogs I am nominating!!<<<<
determined soon along with my questions. Remember I'm very new and still don't know many blogs or even how to search for other blogs.

Here are my questions to answer:<<<<

hat was the most beautiful quality your first love possessed?

He showed compassion for others. We are still friends. From the age of 16 to 42 he spent a week every summer volunteering at a camp for disabled children. He also gave more hours throughout the rest of the year with the same organization. <

If you could fly to a magical land and stay there for two days, what would the land look like?

First it would WARM! Second it would peaceful where there was no yelling. <

If you could switch places with Donald Trump for a day what would you do differently in office? The same?

What would I do differently? Maybe not post so much to twitter. The same? I love how he has no filter at times. He does not care what anything thinks. I believe more Americans than want to admit it agree with what he says about a lot of the issues facing our country. <

If you could speak to the first person you have ever loved, what would you say?

I think of this almost daily, yes I do. It is kinda two-fold. Would things have been different had I slept downstairs when we went to New Orleans? Was it because of my dad why we never went to the final step? You told me over and over ‘ you are the one’ ‘I’m here with you’ ‘I can’t make myself move away from you’ so then why<

If could be a combination of two animals. Which two animals and why?

A bird so I could fly and sense the freedom, then an elephant’s brain because they never forget.<<

hy do you wake up every morning? What lights your fire?

Right now I have no real get up and light me up reason for waking up. I’m not depressed but with The Crazy Lady i have many days I would rather not wake up or rather let someone else deal with her. <<

hat is the most ridiculous reason that you have lost sleep?

Simply not falling asleep!! That in and of itself is ridiculous and needs to stop ASAP. <

Describe the most beautiful day of your life, and don’t leave out any details.

What an interesting question. I consider this beauty in what they did for me. Back in the early 90s when the internet was just starting I flew halfway across the US to met a guy. Being physically disabled everyone except one friend thought I was crazy. I one the other hand thought why not? He paid for everything so I figured why pay big bucks to kill me? Hehe When I was there, on my last night of four nights we were lying in bed and he said wrap your arms and legs around me. I did and they next thing I knew we were slow dancing. Something I could not do. Our skin to skin touching. Time stood still and for those few minutes I was ‘normal’. Both of us actually started crying. Believe it or not we did not sleep together, what we shared was a spiritual connection unlike anything I have ever experienced, even with Fuzzy or Butthead (first loves nicknames). <<

ewrite a moment in your life that you regret.

Wow so many of these questions revolve around one moment. It goes back to my first love and not sleeping downstairs on our way back from New Orleans.<<

hat is the most beautiful symbol you have seen? What does that symbol mean to you?

Fluer de lies ⚜️ it makes me feel peace and reminds me of ‘home’.

Are you doing what you love in your life? If yes, what advice do you have for people who are not.

I am sadly just going through the motions. When I figure out what it is and have any advice I will shout it from the mountain tops. Ya know the mountain tops located along the gulf coast.

No sleep, No fun

Keeping with my everyday entry, allow me to say it is taking everything I am to write this. I got maybe an hour of sleep which lead to a no sleep headache and no sleep nausea. This was after no sleep at all Friday night. Thankfully I just got my phenegrin refilled. I have had three since 9:00am and it works for about 25 minutes. Right now I’m miserable. My takeaway? I can not sleep without something putting me to sleep. 😩😩

Different Day….Same Stuff

Today she was more coherent….well allow me to rephrase. About 1am she tried to get off the couch after I am sure she took too much of neurotin mixed with something and fell on the floor spilling bottles of otc somethings. She then in her drug induced state sat on the floor playing with the pills. The almost 15 y/o came down to try to pick her up. She screamed like a toddler complaining he was going to hurt her. She was not cooperating at all. After 30 minutes of me arguing with her she got half on the couch. Thirty more minutes go by and he finally cradle lifted her onto the couch. We took away her meds and covered her up with a blanket. By this point it was 2am.

Jump to 7:45sm, she is awake and walking to the bathroom. When I get up she is semi 50/50 mentally back to who she is. Jump to the afternoon….she is demanding her car keys, but because I refuse to give them to her she came to my glass cabinet looking for the extra key which I no longer have for this exact reason. She is yelling and yelling, throws open the glass door and starts throwing my stuff on the ground. This is new!! Not unheard of with FTD, but for sure new with her. This was about 4:30. It is now 9:15, she has calmed down and is just her moaningself who thinks she will get to drive to the store tomorrow. Can’t wait for this interaction. Fun times ahead, fun times!!

What has today taught me? The end is sooner than we think and my financial life is about to drastically change. Not looking forward to this day at all at all. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but who am I kidding?!?!?

Same crap….Different day

I find its a disease where one minute you even doubt yourself but for the next 10 minutes you are beside yourself.

I asked a question in my FTD group today and within one woman’s reply she said the above words. Never in my life that I can truly recall have words made me want to scream with all my might BINGO FUCKING BINGO!!

Alzheimer’s at least is a constant steady ride, not a roller coaster of uncertainty. With Alzheimer’s one starts somewhat slowly and the memory goes. FTD their memory does not really go. They don’t forget. Anger and aggression yes. I remember my friend’s grandmother had Alzheimer’s and she was never full of such hatred and aggression as the Crazy Lady is. I have many days I’d give anything for her to forget things and to stop talking.

Every thing I read says, “it’s not the person you know. Do not let it bother you. Etc etc” I know it’s not her and I do not even care she calls me nasty names or belittles me, it is the pure FRUSTRATION of always having to be right and wanting anything and everything RIGHT FREAKING HERE AND NOW. No one can talk to her about anything because whatever she says is the word and even if ten people said that is purple light she will tell you it is polka dot violin.

As I began the entry Same crap, different day! It is 8:23pm on a Friday and I can guarantee 8:23pm Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, next Friday will be exactly the same. Toward the end of her life it is said she will become nonverbal along with her becoming more still and stoic. Sure it will be a sad day, but can not imagine I will ever look back and wish for these days. I may be wrong, but do not see it happening.

FTD Frack That Daily

Rather than say what I truly feel FTD should stand for I will leave it at FRACK.

Today she woke up at 11:30, but didn’t move until 5 when we tried to get her to the bathroom. Oh my word. She is full on dementia like never before making zero sense. After getting her clothes finally changed and back on the couch she decided she wanted to get up and fell on the floor. She screams as she’s being helped back up to get rid of the heating pad because it is full of ants that can’t be seen! Ok last I checked there’s no such thing as invisible ants.

I was tempted to video her to show the doctor, but we all know she will spin it to her liking. Tomorrow is suppose to be a post hospital stay follow up, but it is an 11am appointment and it’s freezing again tonight with frozen rain so I’m canceling until next week.

All I want is a decent night’s sleep.

Cold colder coldest

Here’s been my life since Monday evening. Went to bed knowing the city and county would be closed on Tuesday. So to make it fun H bingo was born. We even got the ‘bad dad joke’, this morning, Wednesday, when judge Emmit said “someone said I have to tell a joke’. I don’t recall the whole thing but the punchline was ‘breaking the ice’ haha because of all the ice everywhere.

This photo is one of my favs because I HATE HATE HATE cold, but will kick a cat 4 hurricane’s ass any day. Triple digit temps and I are BFFs.

This is the front on Tuesday. Play the video for the full effect. Though some might think we got snow and be excited for us, think again crazy folks. All the white is……I…C…E. Ice ice baby too cold too cold. Vanilla’s bff.

Lastly this was Wednesday, today. I’m sure it was colder a few hours before but I was bundled under the covers. Coldest night in 22 years. Hard freeze last night and tonight. In fact today we were only above freezing for 4-5 hours max. Roads are already icing back over as I type.

On a positive, in 48 hours it will be 70!! 💥☀️🌟⭐️

Today stunk all around

My cousin from my mom’s generation posted this today. Of all days it was appropriate it showed today. The last few I had really been thinking crazy random ‘your mom has a disease and will never be herself ever again’ or my favorite MD one ‘today is the best day she’ll ever have because it is only downhill from this point’ thoughts.

Well I get the call at 11:30 she is being discharged, but no big deal the city is farking CLOSED due to ice being on every road, bridge, or sidewalk. I tell them I can’t get her so they will get a transport service to do it. At 6:30 they call and say she is enroute. The tingles of anticipation begin building at this point. Finally at 7, she is dropped off by one man who is sicker than sick and can’t speak. They didn’t dress her, which she had clothes, instead left her gown on, added another one in the back and put on her zip up hoodie. They wrapped a sheet around her and put her in a wheelchair.

When she got inside the house she was calm and said she was waiting for directions on what to do. I got her out of the chair onto the couch and sent the man home. She asked for her pillow as he was leaving, he said there were no pillows. I explained it was a $30-40 pillow that was obviously not a hospital one. Never saw it and she begins to screamed at the top of her lungs someone is getting it NOW! FTD issue 1) loud 2) demanding NOW 3) always correct.

I talk to her and explain if she has nothing wrong with her mentally, she knew the pillow was there therefore should have grabbed it. No excuse!

Issues 2 3 and 4–she thinks she’s still in hospital demanding pillowcases that were ‘right there’ every night, a remote on a wire with words, and no guide on the tv. Twenty minutes into it I realized 2 and 3 and got her to understand that was at the hospital. Five minutes after that I proved to her with the remote this tv did have a guide.

It took everything in me to not throw things across the room. Twenty minutes after all this I saw the picture above and paused to reflect.

Now goodnight as I freeze again with temps in the teens.

Another few days of below freezing temps…..

This winter has been one like no other. If it does snow tomorrow or any other day before summer it will be only the second time in recorded history it has happened three times in the same season. Nuts!! Schools are already closed, roads have been pretreated, and store sleeves are empty. Our high temp is set for about 12:05am at around 53. By 8am it will be below 32 with rain that is set to begin any minute now–current time is 8:26pm.

When we had true accumulation in December it was just snow. Overnight rain begins then it will turn into sleet and snow. Because everything will be WET freezing will be easy, which SUCKS!! All I imagine is 1994 when everything including powerlines iced over and for three days were without power 😒 Back then we ran the gas in the fireplace to try to warm the house as we all camped out around it. If we lose power this time it will not be as simple. Here is to hoping we keep power. 💦🌧🌨❄️

Crazy lady might come home tomorrow

Every evening about 7 her ‘my chart’ is updated so I look at the latest tests etc. The last few days her INR has been slowing increasing. I told folks here how I thought as soon as it hits 2 she’s coming home. Today I got a notification in the late morning about an update so when I looked it said ‘abnormal ct’ and something about abnormal breathing and exacerbation. We called up there to get clarification and the nurse was nothing but rude. It is very clearly notated in her chart the people who can discuss her care. This is nothing new to a METHODIST Hospital chart. Her first question after we said who we were, name and all was are you allowed to know her medical information? Uh no, we are just two random people with the same names listed in her chart as to who to give information to.

After we got that straightened out, when I questioned the test and results she kept telling me she had no idea what I was looking at even though I was explaining exactly where in the my chart I was. So after I said forget it, I asked what is the plan from this point forward? She said the pneumonia is almost gone and that the inr is what’s keeping her there. She then proceeds to go on and on about inr, to which I stopped her to say I know all about it because I deal with it as well. I continued to ask what therapeutic level do they want her to be at before leaving because 2.0-3.0 is a big span; for me anything above 2.0 and I bruise too bad. She kept repeating between 2-3. Finally I ask, if her 4am blood draw shows 2.0 then she can leave? To which she says yes.

Methodist sadly you are not what you once were. You have gotten too big and act just like every other huge hospital. It was nice to be in the 4th largest city in the US, yet have a small town feel hospital literally around the corner from the house.

On a completely different subject, the Saints come back from the largest deficit in nfl playoff to take the lead against Minnesota with 2:25 left to which I said too much time. Saints again take the lead with 0:25 left. Vikings have the ball back at 30something, forth and 9, 0:10 left, it’s the Saints W! Then holy shit, Case Keenan throws the ball way down the field just like he did on third–the Saints defense stayed back and halfassed to not get a penalty. Now here is fourth down, sane jist except the ONE saint that should have tackled the guy who actually caught the ball DOVE UNDER THE RECEIVER! What the fucking hell?!? I almost threw my brand new iPhone X across the room and I never get that emotional. Scream and curse? Hell yea! Throw? Nope. It was heart breaking. The only positive is Case is one game away from the super bowl at home!

Posting everyday…..

I want to write every day, but some days like today I have thoughts yet I also have a pillow I would like to put my head on right now and just lye there. Ok for real I would love to take my last lunesta, turn my back toward him, and go to sleep because when you are asleep you do not have to deal with anything.

I also want to not flake on day 13 of 365 in my writing. When having something that holds you accountable it makes not flaking easier. Even if the entry is as goofy and full of nothing as this is, it is still writing. Right? Right!

Today proves to me I NEED the fifty hours a week I am entitled too.

This week has been all out of whack schedule wise; school did not start back until Tuesday, instead of a Monday-Wednesday work work week it was set to be Monday, Wednesday, Thursday but after Wednesday’s blow up Thursday was moved to today-Friday, then just the fact my mom is in the hospital nothing seems coherent.

Today being a work work day meant there was no help here. When they left for work it was said someone was coming back to the house. In fact a load of towels were started, so why did you NOT come back? What is rule one of laundry? Do NOT EVER start a load you will not be able to finish before you leave the house. This goes for paid help AND people that actually live here. Same rule has been in effect for EVER!

Today also being Friday meant, paid help #1 is off. Had it been a normal Friday someone would be here so I would have at least had something to eat. Food is not as big a deal as changing clothes. I have many many days where I do not eat until dinner so it is not too big of a deal to go without food, BUT help with personal matters I should not have to go without. I understand you want a day off because you help weekdays for me and weekends for him, but I matter. The time is coming very very soon where changes are going to be made. If you cannot for whatever your reasons are, which is OK, give me all the hours I am entitled to then somebody else is going to come in and help. So when I bring up my changes to my help I am going to face them getting upset I am taking away money they desperately need. Well guess what? You need money and I need to not sit in soaking wet clothes. Wet clothes trump needing money.

A few minutes ago I was informed next Friday will basically be the same. This should get interesting…….

Visited crazy lady today

Got up today and went to see the crazy lady. I stopped first to get her a chocolate ice coffee with a chocolate muffin. When I handed both to her she said, “oh you paid a fortune which you should not have done.” After 10 minutes she tells me I am too fragile health wise and need to leave and not come back up there because there are too many sick people. I said ok I will take that to mean don’t come back.

I was able to spend 5-10 mins semi alone with the nurse. The heart tests were to rule out congestive heart failure, which it did. Not sure why chart shows infected blood except from ER before they knew everything. Cultures were grown and it shows nothing.

There is nothing written yet with any talk of discharge. I told her she needs to stay past the point of y’all thinking she’s ready and not leave until it’s a few days after that! She said she understood and will notate her file. This means to me at least a few more days with her gone!! QUIET QUIET QUIET!!!!

On a positive note….hair is clean, final KF redevelopment fee is paid and I left the house for the first time in almost 2 weeks.

Until we meet again folks……..

I ask for one thing yet you do another…go figure.

So employee #2 finally got their drivers license and drove you to work, but came back to say he wasn’t picking you up, my employee was like always. Whatever. I ask you ONLY to jokingly ask why they were picking you up still to see what their answer was. But noooo you said when asked what was the first thing you said was–She’s concerned being left–and made it all come back on ME!! Now I look like the selfish butthole because all I fucking asked was for you to ask one question, nothing more.

Twenty bucks tomorrow morning it will come back on me when she gets here and we are all alone. I’m a big girl and can handle it but do I want to deal with it after it should have never been brought up in the first place? NO!!!

It’s 7:32 and he and I won’t say another word all night. Fun times indeed.

Crazy lady still in the hospital

Today makes four and a half days she has been there. The first two days were quiet, no calls, nothing. Yesterday and today has been nothing but yelling and cursing demanding things happen right now! Today the nurse called to say a psych doctor saw her though she never said why exactly then said it was mentioned about moving her to a medical floor for continued care. When I questioned what she meant trying to get clarification she spoke to me like I was insane. Hello you are the one who said a psychiatrist saw her and in the same sentence said moving to another place. If she’s in a hospital getting MEDICAL CARE why does she need to go somewhere else to get MEDICAL CARE?!? After ten minutes trying to understand because part of the problem is she did not speak English, which this hospital is famous for and drives me nuts, I got they want to send her to a skilled nursing or rehab place. Well we allllll know that will NEVER happen. I told her not going to happen and she said she would pass on the information to the doctor. Soooo we shall see what happens.

I hope against hope I have til at least Friday because I need another full day to finish cleaning her mess. This could be my last shot of having her gone nonstop. The crappy part tomorrow my help has to go take care of business they couldn’t finish today so I can’t really start until they get back which will be after 11 I’m sure. Then my mom wants me to go up there so there goes my day.

How many containers does one crazy lady need?

Allow me to answer, 1,478,524. Really? No, but sure as hell seems like it. Summer of 2016 we threw away hundreds so where do they keep coming from??? Today we tackled the kitchen and I shit you not at least one hundred containers. Did I throw any away today? Maybe five. She will just rebuy them.

Now let’s talk about FOOD. HOLY CRAP! I gave away SIX YES SIX tubs!!!! How many were left here you ask? Eight in the pantry and two under the table. If I could get just a nickel for each item that had chocolate in the title I could retire. I lost count after about ten Oreos, fifteen thin chips ahoy, and no joke twenty brownie mixes–she does not even cook/bake any more.

At times if I did not laugh at the situation I might go more insane than I already am. Like yesterday when I tried to start the kitchen and I just stood there about to cry because I had no idea where to even start. Today was a different story; counters are visible, the floor can be seen though it needs to be cleaned, and there is no rotting food anywhere.

Progress progress progress……

Blog for me? Blog for those who read?

When I started looking for an online platform to journal. All I found were blog sites. My first few entries were just for me. Using their app I did not know all the ins and outs. I accidentally hit a button and saw a page of different blogs which showed the ‘postaday’ and ‘first fridays’ so I thought why not give it a try,? The postaday would be extra motivation to write everyday while the first fridays gave me a chance maybe to see what others thought. I certainly did not expect anyone to actually like what I wrote especially my very first post.

Now that I did first fridays and have a few followers, do I write for me or do I write for others? Not that I write for others, but I found writing Friday night and Saturday night writing more so others understand what I am saying.

Another thing I’m finding is the length of each entry. I’m writing for me and if it is only a few sentences then it is only a few sentences. My education as well tells me any writing needs an opening, body, and conclusion, but again writing for me can have zero punctuation or incomplete sentences. Right? Right!

On that note, on to tomorrow……

OCD or Do What You Are Getting Paid To Do?

Since I was in the 3rd grade I can remember being so anal when it came to cleaning. I could tell when my mom dusted and did not put the picture frame or nicknack back in the exact same spot. It drove me crazy!! Ever since I have had paid for help I try to control my whatever you want to call it. Part of me started looking at it as a way to not be so nit picky. I started letting it go that the dresser drawer had clothes hanging out when closed, the towels were not folded exactly like I want. My two favorites of frustration are sweeping and trash. How do you say you swept without moving objects? The amount of fuzz and food crumbs next to the cabinets or under the fan is ridiculous. I know you see it. And trash, when a plate goes in the can turn it over so food does not get on the lid! Or waiting forever to empty it. Food starts to stink after days and it can only be pushed down so much! And people wonder why I say NO FOOD FOODISH THINGS OF ANY KIND IN ANY TRASH BUT THE KITCHEN!!!

But then I started thinking you are getting paid to help me. Me, the person who needs help because I can no longer do things the way I need or like to.

It frustrates me beyond all that I ask to do something and it does not happen. Jokingly I say something and it gets done. I am betwixed and between because they know the true ins and outs of the crazy lady, the monthly support, the list goes on and on. Not that anything they would say would have the police knocking the doors down, but it could make my everyday life MISERABLE!

Conundrum conundrum conundrum

Crazy lady has pneumonia…..

So she left this morning to go get crab boil for shrimp and it ends with us calling the ER to see if she was there, as the nurse was getting the call for her room number because she’s being admitted. So Michael talks to the nurse for a few and I remind him to mention the FTD. Five to ten minutes later Chad, who has been napping though occasionally waking when I yelled to the other room, says, “what did I miss FTD?” He gets mad at me after he says FTD is flowers and I said, “no it’s about my mom”. How long will this continue? I AM NEVER TALKING DISCUSSING MENTIONING FUCKING FLOWERS!!

With it being Friday, she’s at least there til Monday which gives us two days to clean her mess. Will it get cleaned? Hell no! Will a dent be made? Hell no! Will it be a start? Perhaps, we shall see……

Got a new phone…joy or pure frustration???

Today finally I sucked up everything and got only my 3rd new phone in over 15 years. When they tried to transfer everything after four tries they gave up. What the hell?!? So they guy asked, “do you use the iCloud”? Uh no. He then says download the AT&T transfer app, but it will not transfer everything. So I hang my head low when he says contacts don’t go….800+ contacts with more than one number and addresses. Calendars don’t go either. My frustration is building. This is after my iCloud/App Store email and password don’t work. Umptenth years ago when I had to pick a new email bc i could reset my password it made me make an iCloud email. I was so mad back then and here I went again. Urgh. Finally I got that straight and my contacts appeared, but still no notes 😦 I did figure out though how to move notes to iCloud so now it shows on both phones. Thank goodness!!!

WHY DO THEY MAKE UPGRADING SO DIFFICULT?!?

Now to download all my apps and sign in to everything. Here goes nothing!

22F w/Feels like 10F and I am suppose to smile? Screw that.

Today is third day of literally freezing temps. We have had two nights of hard freeze warnings. Tonight is not one only because instead of 8 hours of freezing temps it is only 6-7. Yesterday it only got to 34! Everyone keeps griping at me to suck it up, but it fucking hurts to be so damn cold. If I weighed more than 100 pounds perhaps I would not feel this way, hell I am the one who wears long sleeves in the summer and fleece lined leggings!!

I still have not made up my mind on this digital way of writing, but I want to stick to this every day writing. It is kinda like when I want to write a letter to my BFF but keep putting it off because actually writing validates all the thoughts going round and round in my head and I do not really want to think about it. As I type the thoughts keep running a mile a minute…..nobody understands my mom, an entire year with only a single kiss from my husband, why doesn’t he get what is happening to my mom, what the hell is going to happen to me when both my parents die, how will I manage when my dad dies and my mom is still alive, if only my friends knew the true story of my life…..thoughts thoughts thoughts they never stop.

Is this better than ol pen and paper?

As I sat around today I had the thought, “Is writing online really better than pen and paper? In twenty years will this even be here to read? Will pouring out my heart and soul be worth it all if there is nothing to come back too?” These are valid thoughts I am going to have to really think about before I get too deep into this then have nothing years from now. On that note, I will end tonight, but it counts toward my every day entry. Hehe

Happy New Year??

New year new everything right? The answer is both yes and no. I told myself I would write something every day to perhaps help me not find such negativity in every single solitary thing I see or do.

In all my years, 32 exactly I have kept a journal, I never wrote the real stuff. I guess maybe I did not want to truthfully acknowledge what was happening or perhaps many years or decades later I would not want to reread it. A decade or so ago when I found my college journals full of first love, happiness, and heartache I did just that, relived each word as if it was happening right then.

Writing here could possibly be the answers I need. Writing under an assumed name will allow a small bit of freedom, carefreeness to express what truly I feel. So many emotions, thoughts, regrets, frustrations, fears, how’s, why me’s? The one constant not there……happiness, joy, laughter, smiles.

Here is to 2018…self help therapy…and maybe just maybe in 365 days I will have found at least one REAL TRUE reason to want to wake up on January 1, 2019.