May 14, 2018 Monday 8:20pm The crazy Lady is silently killing me

I have been away for a while. I began to feel this was a job every night, just one more thing I had to do. I had lost the wonder, relaxation, the everything in my writing. I felt free not forcing myself to write. I knew if I couldn’t write to relax it was not worth it.

Tonight I thought I have to get out these emotions or it’s going to continue to build.

For the last few months I knew I needed to get on bp meds. I had been on them before but they ran out and had to cancel my follow up appt when my mother in law died. I knew it was bad because I’d been taking it myself at home. My left foots been swelling, but I chalked that up to my nerve and circulation issues on that side. I felt like I was getting an ulcer, thought deep inside knew it was my heart.

Thursday I made it to my doctor, my bp was 178/123. Sure I should have probably gone to the ER, but I felt fine otherwise. Wasn’t dizzy, nauseated, no other symptoms, no headache. We discussed how the previous med started tearing my tendon and quit it. We decided on another one. I took it for three days and on the night of the third became so dizzy the 15 yr old had to put me in bed. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I got up today immediately went to the bathroom and felt ok, not great but ok. Came back to take my morning meds and debated to take or not to take it. I took it and within two minutes, the room was spinning five times. I had to get back in bed bc I could not handle every time I moved my head the room spun.

This all brings me to the crazy lady. The stress is unreal. I try to deep breathe, stay calm, let it blow over me. I am genuinely scared I am going to die. Part of me doesn’t want to deal with it because of the reactions from her, but know that’s not fair to me.

Tomorrow I’m calling back my doctor and telling her I want to switch back to the other med and if my tendon or ligament tears so be it.

I did get my bp down to 123/98, this evening it was 123/103. My pulse has come and stayed down. At least something is going right for me.

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April 5, 2018 Thursday 11:39pm Going to be a long night

Out of meds so my ability to fall asleep is pretty much at a not happening level. I’m about to lye down but am guessing come 3-4:00am I’ll still be lying on the pillow wide awake. Fun times ahead.

My mantra for the last few days. Hopefully it’ll get better soon and life will be back to normal.

April 4, 2018 Wednesday 9:14 pm It’s hell to be poor…

Twenty eight years ago I heard for the first time “It’s hell to be poor” by the local tv station reporter/fighter for the little guy Marvin Zindler. The Marvin Zindler of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas fame. He was the man who busted the operation. If you ever saw the movie or play, he was the man who wore an all white suit. He wore that suit until the day he died. He was a interesting man. Fought for the underdog even though he had more money than he knew what to do with it. He continued to get plastic surgery to look younger and dressed to impressed, pocket squares, cuff links and a three piece suite always. Every Thursday he did a restaurant report. He was the original. Every segment ended with him calling out the restaurants with slime in their ice machines by saying….sllllllllliiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmeeeeeee intha ice maaaaaachine. My writing does not begin to do it justice. His fighting for the underdog was what he is remembered best for doing. If he showed up to the nogood doer they knew the shit was about to get real. At the end of these segments he would always say, “It’s hell to be poor“.

Where I’m going with all this is it surely is HELL to be poor. To know you have X amount of money, no savings, no way of even making money yet need money. Our situation is not normal. Most people have jobs and make money. True if you are salaried you do get X amount and there is no money. Highly wagers could possible pick up a shift. My issue is being completely dependent upon someone or entity other than myself for income. Each month I have enough money to pay the necessary bills, but there is not extra.

In March I received our tax return, not much but a little extra to cushion. Well then the unexpected happens….a broken kitchen faucet, broken front door lock, clogged bathroom sinks which could be the a/c so call in the a/c guy-nope it turns out it’s a clog past the liquid fire I can buy, and a plumbers’ license is needed to get the-industrial strength liquid fire, so plumber is called as well. What else? Increase in the crazy lady’s medical insurance, yearly termite increase, storage unit increase, the 15 y/o’s phone fell off the shelf which his father saw fall and confirms it was an accident and I somehow became the one responsible for fixing it, then lastly I was the one who had to buy the 15 y/o’s birthday present which was a gaming monitor because the mister had promised him this monitor for almost 6 months. The 15 y/o even told me a few weeks ago, “he is never going to buy the monitor is he? He just keeps saying next week next week. ” I finally had to tell him, when I got the tax return I would buy it to keep him from being so disappointed. Stuff like the mister making these type of promises and reneging on them pisses me off so much!!

Where am I going with this? I had extra money and now I don’t even have enough to pay all of my monthly bills. I hate knowing I have no way of getting money. I am 109% dependent on others!!! It’s enough to make one want to find a hole and crawl in it. I can barely change my clothes etc and have no means of income.

I can’t even remember how many times I have told my own father it sucks to have to rely on somebody else every time he tells me he is tired of supporting his child. WTH is always my response, wouldn’t he like to know what it’s like to be in my shoes? I didn’t ask to be dependent on others. Sure he didn’t ask for his child to be this way, but tough shit this is how his cookies crumbles so deal with it! He makes waaaaay more money than most so it’s not like he is hurting in any way!!!

Two hours later it frustrates me so much I have to continuously stop.

April 2, 2018 Monday 7:51pm Crazy Lady has made an even bigger mess

I’m so at my breaking point. Today everyone was biting off everyone’s head. Is it the left over full moon juju? It’s the juju the crazy lady puts out? I don’t know, but I know I’m ready to throw in the towel, wave the white flag.

Last night she pulled more crap out of her bedroom and brought it into the den. Urgh

Cook food grab a dish towel, oh towel need to wash the towels, put towels in washing machine, walk past the trash can, trash can reminds I have a bag of trash in the other room, walking into room see a T-shirt, T-shirt triggers I have T-shirt’s on the couch, go to couch, see grocery ads, reminds me oh yea I was cooking.

Now this happens all day every day. This sequence probably lasts over an hour. It gets extremely frustrating.

Ya know the children’s lingo of FML, yeah that’s about how I feel right now.

April 1, 2018 Sunday 8:48pm Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, there is ZERO happy inside me today.

I have been telling myself all day

There are people who have it worse than you so shut up and stop complaining. I live in a 3,000 sq ft home that is 109% paid for, I have food to eat, utilities to keep me comfortable, and luxuries like a cell phone others wish they had.

But what I don’t have, is the ability to care for me!! I’m almost to the 100% dependent on someone else for living point. Sure I can breath on my own, but that’s about one of 10 ten things. I can’t really get dressed in my own. Just tonight I tried to change my ‘can’t control my bladder’ underwear which had crap in it. Well I thought I had cleaned it all, that was until I went to put my new ones one and BOTH F’ING HANDS found the leftover missed crap on my cushion and rubbed all in it. It took 45 fucking minutes to get on my underwear and pajamas. This is insane!!

Why am I left alone, because it’s the weekend and oh happens to be Easter. Does the ICU patient in critical condition just lye there because it is Easter? No the nurse still comes to work! I’m no different than an icu patient, I can’t do certain things in my own. Today is the third day without help because once again Friday is the day off, Saturday the mister works so god forbid you come back for 10 minutes at 4:30, then today being Easter.

How do they NOT see this?!? Because they are clueless to real reality. I said it Thursday or Friday I was discussing the hours, well today double reaffirmed me having had ENOUGH! This week something will give. I am looking out for one person and person only…..ME ME ME!!

Happy Easter and Happy Birthday my sweet caring now officially 15 y/o I love you, you are my hero, don’t be a zero!!!

March 31, 2018 Saturday 4:45pm Words can not describe how mad I am

I am beyond pissed right now. The mister while getting ready for work, asked the tomorrow birthday boy 15 y/o to go to the track with him. They left at fucking 3:30 which leaves me with nobody to help do anything. The boy thinks he can go bet because he got birthday morning yesterday, but no matter how many times I told him he’s not old enough and the mister can’t bet while on the clock he doesn’t get it.

When the mister realized he might go, he said “oh you can’t because she’ll be left alone”. He offered to help me at 3:15. WTH I don’t need help at 3:15, I need help at 6,7,8pm.

As the mister was going out the door I told him he legit is going with you. My help looked at me and yelled toward the 15 y/o, you won’t be home until 11:30. I said no the last race is about 9. I got a huff and an addituded ‘need anything’. No I’m fine it’s only 3:20 I will be fine all evening.

This buddy boy was the last straw. Tomorrow is one year since his mom’s transplant so I might spare him the yelling, but I may do it tonight. He thinks all spur of the moment, what benefits him not thinking of what or how anything effects others.

Crazy lady left again around noon and still is not home. While it is peaceful sound wise when she is not here, it is still quite frustrating when you turn around and see all the shit!! I flashback to when I spent a week at summer camp, for those seven days the real world ceased to exist and that is what I feel when she’s not here or I run errands. The Out of Sight Out of Mind mantra really is true!!!